Miserable Old Bastard

Civil Servants

2007-04-16T21:34:00.000+01:00

What a bunch of spongers!

With very few exceptions Civil Servants are parasitic nobodies.

They are financed by the ‘real’ tax payers of the country via general taxation, VAT and Council Tax. Without the entrepreneurs of this land and their faithful workers who generate the wealth the whole country would be bankrupt within a few weeks and the country would be on its knees.

‘Real’ workers design products, create them and make them. They are the busy bees in the hive, making things happen, creating products and services that people need and generally make the world go round. They live or die by their decisions and their performance. If they are not up to the job, they are sacked. If a company is not competitive it goes broke. That’s the way it is – and as it should be. Natural selection, in the Industrial World.

Civil servants on the other hand don’t live in the real world at all. They don’t have to do a good job, adapt to market conditions, improve their performance, increase productivity, nor take risks to make a living. They are paid regardless, have safe pensions and other benefits, enjoy a job for life with guaranteed salary increases,. Scandalous!

To get the sack in the Civil Service is almost unheard of and you have to be mind bogglingly bad to get it. In addition to their cosy little jobs they have the highest ‘sickness’ absenteeism of all workers. No pressure, no chance of the sack, guaranteed benefits – and yes they phone in sick regularly to take extra days off. Lazy skiving bastards, I hate them all!

Don’t these blood sucking vultures realise that they are living off the sweat and toil of the productive? If everyone worked for the government, the economy would be dead, there would be no prosperity, no goods, no innovation – society would collapse and the only choice would be communism.

These unproductive swines are paid by us. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves or at the very least exceedingly grateful and humble. They should bow down and lick our boots every time they see us walking down the road. They should buy us drinks, grovel to us and let us shag their wives and daughters. There are far too many of them, and they feed off the labour of the rest of us.

Yet it gets worse! In many cases it is the job of the Civil Servant (Tax Inspector, VAT Officer, Health & Safety Executive etc.) to poke their nose into the business of the wealth creators, cause them great hassle and make it much harder for them to make a profit and consequently pay the wages of the Civil Servant.

Bloody ridiculous!

You may also have noticed the grand names these parasites give themselves, ...Officers, Inspectors, Wardens etc – what a bunch of crap. I have my own names for them, which I think you can guess are not too pleasant.

Don’t forget that these people are meant to be our servants for God’s sake, NOT the other way round.

Come on people, wake up, it’s about time we let them know what we think of them!

Coming Soon…

Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours
Teenagers
Cars with Spoilers
People Who Play the Lottery

People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute

2007-04-09T20:37:00.001+01:00

Guest Blog - from the Dad of Miserable Old Bastard

I hate kids. They are all simply a pain in the arse. From the age of one to twenty one they are all an enormous ache in the backside.

They are noisy, smelly, bloody irritating and utterly useless. The only pleasure they give you is the bit of fun nine months before they are born.

Babies are probably the least revolting as at least they sleep a lot. Toddlers are definitely the worst – whining, whinging, shouting, running around and generally being little shits. I hate their parents too. Giving in to little Darren’s every demand for attention with - “Do you want another sweetie my angel?”,“Be a nice little boy and stop annoying that man”, “What would my little darling like for his tea?” etc. etc. Just do us all a favour and shove little Darren under a bus.

When I was a kid we only spoke when we were spoken to, we had to wait outside the pub whilst Mum and Dad were inside getting pissed (that’s outside on the pavement not in the comfort of a bloody car), with a packet of crisps and a lemonade to last us an hour or so. We were brought up to respect our elders who, after all, were keeping us, teaching us and were entitled to a bit of peace and quiet after working hard all day. At Christmas we were lucky to get two presents from Mum and Dad and at meal times our elders had first choice of food, were served first and had priority on what was watched on TV. If we made a noise we were sent to bed and if we didn’t play properly we would be banished to our room.

Alas now it’s a kids world. I blame them for all the emotional and financial misery in the Western world. It might be possible to live with an ugly nagging wife, but with a screaming git of a kid in the house as well, its no wonder that blokes leave home. How can the modern parent afford kids for Gods sake? Their clothes cost more than your own, their food costs more than your own, they demand school outings, holidays, birthday parties, days out and heaven knows what else. Why should the little shits get everything their own way? You can’t smack them, you’re not supposed to shout at them, you must talk to them as equals as they have equal rights of course. What a load of bollocks!

Now you can’t even find an escape from their incessant noise anywhere. Friday and Saturday nights used to be a good night out down the pub. Not these days though – all you get are teenagers effing and blinding all night and looking for a fight. Weekend lunchtimes are now also a no-no. Pubs are full of horrible little toddlers with their parents - eating, shouting, crying, running about and generally driving us all out of the pub.

As for public transport, well I despair! Whether its on a bus, a train or (heaven forbid) a long plane flight, little Kylie or little Justin are non-stop balling and shouting the odds, making it impossible for the rest of us to read, talk or even think!

The answer is of course for all kids and their parents to be sent to live on another island somewhere till they are 21. A bit like Centre Parks, Butlins or a Pontins family holiday camp, only with military style discipline to knock them into shape.

That would suit me nicely!

Coming Soon…

Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours
Teenagers
Boom Boxes in Cars

Lager Drinkers

2007-03-26T21:19:00.000+01:00

Scum of the earth clearly.

What would you rather drink?

A fresh, living, dynamic, natural ale that has been part of our country’s heritage for centuries. A pint made from the finest barley, hops and yeast, fermented naturally, cask conditioned and served fresh from the barrel by traditional hand pump into an eager glass.

Or/

Some sterile, chilled, unnatural fizzy piss with added essence of alcohol added for effect. Delivered from a chiller unit, under nitrogen gas pressure, tasteless, chemical laden, bland, dead, lifeless and with a shelf life of many months.

Absolutely astonishing!

Yet, go into any pub in the UK and you will see hoards of self deluded, ignorant twats, swigging back the hideous lager by the barrel load!

The brewery companies aren’t stupid – they would love it if everyone drank sterile, keg lager, because there is absolutely no wastage and it can’t go off.

Real ale however has to be carefully looked after and allowed to settle. It must be consumed within a week or so of spiking the barrel, and there can be a lot of wastage to get it tasting just right. So what do they do?– They brainwash the public (mainly the young thick impressionable males) using expensive flashy advertising to make them want to drink their vile fizzy urine instead.

Real ale is full of variety – every brewery has it’s own recipe and brewing process and there are a multitude of subtle tastes and strengths to keep you forever interested in the next pint.

However this is all lost on the current thick arseholes who insist on drinking cold gassed-up lager and is very likely to be lost forever if present trends continue.

Real Ale is very much a British phenomenon, and it is practically impossible to find a pint of it brewed outside these fair islands. We should all be proud and celebrate it, not drink overpriced, gassed up yellow mouthwash.

I’m sure the breweries could save even more money if they simply took the piss straight form the pub urinals, through a filter, quickly chill it, pump it with lots of gas, chill some more, add neat alcohol, add some chemicals and send it straight back to the pump in the bar. I defy any stupid lager drinker to tell the difference.

That would really bring new meaning to the expression – “taking the piss.”

Coming Soon…

People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers

Talkative Neighbours

Teenagers

Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats

2007-03-19T18:14:00.001Z

Okay, where the hell do we start with these demented morons?

As we know, ALL of religion is total bollocks.

Being religious does not give you the moral phucking high ground about anything at all. You can be an devout atheist and still have a great sense of purpose, know the difference between right and wrong and do good in the world. You don’t have to be religious to do any of that.

Religion, whatever its flavour, has an awful lot to answer for. Practically every war on this planet have been as a direct consequence of religious beliefs. Generations upon generations of human suffering, murder , torture and incredibly evil deeds have all been done (and are continuing) in the name of some religion or another. Persecution for believing, persecution for not believing – what a downright farce. All this combined misery and suffering in the name of what?

In addition to this terrible suffering it has severely restricted progress in the sciences and medicine. Effectively heaping the misery on even more.

I really can’t believe that in this enlightened age there can possibly be any room for religious beliefs, bar for historical purposes.

Surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that thinks religion is pointless, stupid, self indulgent nonsense.

Now let me tell you something Mr Religious person, there is no phucking ‘heaven’, no bloke with a long white beard sitting on a cloud with angels playing harps looking down at you making notes of your good and bad deeds! If you believe that you have a rather inflated opinion of yourself, thinking that the Great Creator gives a phuck about you. It's quite astonishing that people even entertain such stupid ideas.

OK, so if you really want to believe in any religious nonsense, I suppose it’s your right to do so, even if it is bollocks, so long as it is kept quiet and doesn’t affect anybody else. But please, whatever you do, don’t start preaching to me about it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses go around in pairs knocking on peoples doors at the weekend, trying to convince them that the end of the world is not too far away! Great –well thanks for that mate. Might as well go out and commit some crimes and rape and pillage my way around for a bit if that’s the case!

These people have got to be stark raving lunatics! For a start they believe the most bizarre nonsense. The earth is only a few thousand years old, despite it being scientifically proven that it is about 4.5 billion years old. They believe Armageddon is only a few short years away and we must all redeem ourselves. They believe in Jesus but don’t celebrate his birth or indeed even their own and they’d rather watch their loved ones die than sign a form consenting to a blood transfusion. A more clearer case of severe cerebral disorder there cannot be!

When I look at somebody who is religious, or even goes to church I genuinely look at them in the same way as I do someone who is mentally ill. Actually I would go as far to say that they are!

So the next time a JW comes knocking at your door, don’t hide behind the curtains, open the door and tell them what you really think of them. Better still get yourself a really heavy bible and smash them over the head with it – see, it has got a use after all.

Coming Soon…

Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours

Unsolicited Phone Calls

2007-03-12T07:34:00.000Z

I am truly amazed that in these enlightened days, and with such an amazing choice of advertising media available , fast communications, interactive TV, the internet, etc that some firms still employ the old cold telephone call technique to sell their shoddy wares!

After all, who in their right mind is going to re-mortgage their house or change their insurance company just because some stranger has disturbed them as they were eating their dinner or having a leisurely crap? It really does beggar belief!

I just don’t get it.

How can this sales technique possibly work? Perhaps the only people who would fall for this type of nonsense are the weak, vulnerable or elderly – if this is the case then it is truly shameful and the firms should be outlawed.

To me, when the phone rings in my house I expect it to be from somebody I bloody well know – not some arsehole with a prepared script from India, Ireland or wherever. I take great offence to these calls and tell them straight, no nonsense. I suggest you all do the same. It is not just a flaming nuisance, but a real invasion of privacy.

I know people have different techniques for dealing with these nuisance calls. From saying they are not in, to leaving the phone off the hook for 20 minutes, to not answering the phone and dialling 1471 to see who it was straight after, to saying ring back later, to politely and firmly saying they will think about it. However there is a much easier and satisfying technique that I use myself…

Ring, ring, ring

“Hello”

Long pause – click – pause

“Hello is that Mr Miserable Old B’stad”

Reluctantly, “Yes” (Just in case it is important – you never know)

“And are you the homeowner?”

“FUCK OFF!!!”

Simple really. If everybody did the same, they would all stop doing this sort of thing within a fortnight.

Another problem sorted!

Coming Soon...

Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers

BBC Local Radio

2007-03-06T19:05:00.000Z

What a load of crap!

The BBC is a vast corporation, overstaffed, over-funded, over-rated and not in the real world at all. Of course being the BBC it doesn’t have to be as we are forced by law to own a shitty TV licence at over £130 a year, even if we don’t watch their crappy programmes or listen to their twee radio stations. What a scam! It doesn’t have to compete with commercial TV, trim it’s budgets and learn to survive or fail depending on its performance like the rest of us in the real world.

Why the hell the BBC is involved with local radio in every frigging county in Britain is beyond me! How much must it cost to secure premises in 3 or 4 towns within each county, each with an office, staff, research budget and twats to host the programmes? In just one county it must cost a pretty packet – imagine the cost of doing this in every county in the UK? There are 40 BBC local radio stations in England alone - what a phucking fortune it must cost to run and what a shameful and shocking waste of public money.

Sod off BBC local radio – leave local radio to the commercials. They actually know what they are doing – they have to, otherwise they don’t survive – unlike you parasites!

I defy anyone to listen to BBC local radio for more than an hour without wanting to shoot themselves. It’s just crap – interviews with old local residents, pathetic phone ins, themes quizzes, programme hosts that are so useless and condescending that you just want to strangle them. God it’s awful!

If I have to listen to the BBC I want to hear important news about national and global events. Not about the cancellation of the Chipping Ongar’s Cub Scout's Jumble Sale at the Village Hall., or Mrs Higgins lost cat!

Simply outrageous.

Coming soon...

Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema

People With Personal Number Plates

2007-02-26T20:39:00.000Z

I can’t think of a more pointless thing to do nor a more wanton waste of money than to buy a personal number plate.

I mean why do it? Why advertise that fact that you are an insecure attention seeking tosser and pay good money to publicly humiliate yourself? Can’t you donate it to charity or something?

For some strange reason, certain individuals (presumably otherwise sane) decide to research, track down and then purchase at great expense a personal number plate to fix to their vehicle. Why? In addition of course they have to pay extra to have the plate made and fitted! Astonishing really.

What possible buzz can you get from having your initials on your car licence plate? I really don’t see the fascination at all. There must be something not quite right with these people, I’m just not sure what it is!

Excuse my if I’m wrong here, but aren’t all car number plates personal and unique to the registered owner of the vehicle? I think you will find that I am right – so, I repeat what is the point, apart from being completely pointless?

Do you really think that by paying £100,000 for a plate that says M1KE 67 you are going to amaze and astound your friends? I think not.

I'll tell you what mate, it doesn’t impress me at all! In fact quite the opposite – surely you must realise that all you are doing is advertising the fact that you are a prize wanker who has money to burn!

Words fail me.

T055ER5

Coming Soon...

BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists & Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts

Pikey Gypo Low-Life

2007-02-12T20:30:00.000Z

I don’t think that I’m going to upset too many people this week, after all -we all phucking hate pikeys and all they stand for!

From the seedy con artists that tell your fortune at the traditional seaside resort, the fairground ‘workers’ that fleece you for a ride on the dogems to the filthy thieving scumbags at the local Pikey site – oh yes I hate every damn one of them.

Now I believe it is law that all local councils in Britain must put aside land for ‘travellers’. What a waste of money – why encourage these bastards? We don’t want them around. They make a disgusting mess of the area as they drop litter and other filth, they steal goods and property from local businesses and households, nick cars, joy-ride and make the local residents frightened to leave their houses at night.

Most of these plebeian rat-bags can’t even write there own name they are so ignorant and uneducated. Of course this is by choice, their choice, not because of hardship or bad luck. Fancy choosing to be as thick as an arsehole.

Though they thieve and pillage, I believe some of these lazy shits do some work, like chopping down perfectly good trees or making a complete hash of some poor old pensioners driveway whom they have cajoled into agreeing to let them do it. I bet you a fiver to all the fleas in their caravan that they don’t pay a penny in tax or national insurance. No doubt however they manage to claim all sorts of government handouts despite having no fixed abode or ability to write.

Why the phuck are they travelling anyway? Let me guess – after they have moved into an area, wrecked it, turned the land they are on into a cess pit, thieved and stole from local residents, ripped off old ladies, collected their dole money, it's time to move on and do the same thing somewhere else. What a scam!

It’s got nothing to do with their ‘culture’ or heritage – they are just thieving lying scum bags, that keep on the move to avoid capture. Change counties regularly and the Police aren't gonna be bothered to prosecute unless it's murder.

There is only one solution – send the whole phucking lot to an island somewhere. Let’s say the Isle of Wight (nobody in their right mind would live there anyway). Change it’s name to Pikey Island and let them phucking well have it. Then they can tarmac over the whole phucking lot, steal and commit crimes against one another, inter-breed, rip each other off and see who can stink the most. They will surely have the time of their lives.

Phuck ‘em

Coming Soon...

People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists

Blokes In Replica Football Shirts

2007-02-05T21:39:00.000Z

Why is it that most blokes who follow their favourite football team insist on wearing unflattering yet expensive replica football shirts?

Most of these blokes are probably quite sane in normal circumstances and even fashion conscious. Why is it then that they persist on wearing brightly coloured, shiny, very expensive (short lived) replica shirts stretched over their bulging waistlines? Let’s face it - they look awful. Hello! This might come as a shock to you mate, but in fact you are not Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney so why the phuck have you got ‘his’ name on ‘your’ shirt dumbass?

I must admit, the light only dawned on me a few years ago. Up to then I always bought my teams new kit every year (Arsenal of course), usually both the home and away kit at £40 a piece, only to put them in the back of the cupboard and buy the next kit(s) 12 months later. Sheer madness really. Then I realised that actually I don’t look good in bright red and white or fluorescent yellow with an extremely large advertising logo on the front!

Now I look back and reflect - what the hell was I thinking of? After all, although I passionately support my team, I realise that I am not good enough to play in the real team, I am in my mid forties, generally unfit and my name is not ‘Thierry Henry’. Why then do mature blokes wear replica shirts with the name of their favourite player on the back? It’s really pathetic and quite sad if you think about it. It’s the sort of thing that junior school-boys do in pretending to be their favourite player in the playground. The astounding thing is that you have to pay extra to have their name and number on the back too. Quite a bit extra as it happens – just how stupid do you have to be?

It’s OK for young kids to wear a shirt with a name of their hero on the back, but once you hit puberty there isn’t really much excuse. In fact these days if I see a bloke wearing a replica with a players name on the back I feel nothing but contempt that he can be so juvenile.

Nowadays there is just no excuse. All the top clubs have an incredible range of fashion clothing in sensible colours, fittings and styles. So instead of wearing an ‘in your face’ unappealing bright replica shirt, why not wear a fashionable understated polo shirt or sweatshirt in a reasonable colour with the clubs logo discreetly but proudly displayed. In this case you support the club you love, look trendy and don’t have to throw the thing away at the end of the season. Not too difficult really eh?

In addition it has just occurred to me that if you are a professional player on the pitch in a ‘real’ game trying to pick out a team mate in a crucial match, then absolutely the last thing you want is banks of people in the crowd wearing exactly the same shirt as the team-mate you are trying to pass to! So you see you are actually hindering the team you support by wearing these brainless replicas, on top of the fact that you look a plonker. Come on guys, wake up and get a life! I know you love your team, but how about a bit of common sense?

Enough said, you know I’m right.

Coming Soon...

Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues

Mobile Phones on Trains

2007-01-29T15:23:00.000Z

There can not be many things in life worse than sitting next to a person on a train who is on his mobile phone talking to a friend. It is a truly appalling experience that no person should have to endure. I am deadly serious here – it should be against the law. In fact any normal person with morals or an understanding of social etiquette would not use his mobile on a train or indeed anywhere where others might be in earshot and unable to easily move away. It is rude, uncomfortable, offensive, annoying and is PHUCKING WELL OUT OF ORDER!

When I get on a train the first thing I do (apart from eyeing up the best looking bird) is to turn off my mobile telephone. I don’t want the inconvenience or embarrassment of somebody ringing me when I am in an enclosed space where others would have no choice but to listen to my one-sided conversation. It would be embarrassing for me and them so I turn it off for the sake of my fellow passengers. I must be unique however as everyone else on the planet it seems are selfish, ignorant and downright rude when it comes to mobile phone use. I am fuming about it! Okay there might occasionally be a real need to make contact with someone when on a train, if so then apologise to those around you, speak quietly using your hand to muffle the sound and keep it short and snappy. Tell them you will call back later for Gods sake!

Don’t get me wrong, mobile phones are a great invention and I would not be without one. They can be a godsend and even save lives. They are of great practical use and it’s hard to imagine how we ever survived without them 20 years ago. The problem is of course – the people who use them.

Look dear, I don’t want to hear what you did last night, what you thought of Big Brother, which blokes you are shagging, how you are getting on at work and when your next period is due – just shut the phuck up bitch!

Last time I was on a train, a person just behind me was on his mobile for the whole of the journey. It was truly awful and by the time I got off the train I knew everything there was to know about this bloke. I knew more about him than his own mother – but I didn’t phucking want to know anything about him. I just wanted him die horribly. People around the carriage didn’t know where to look, they shook their heads in disbelief or bowed them in his shame and were literally cringing with embarrassment. Yet this twat went on spouting out his life story to the rest of us. How can people be like that? How can they sit there with people on all sides of them and continue to talk utter bollocks and not feel humiliated? These people really are the scum of the Earth.

There should be a code of practice for mobile phone use. A bit like the Highway Code for road users. A written and physical test should then be taken and only if you pass would you be allowed to own and use a mobile. This sort of thing would not be necessary of course if people were courteous to their fellow man and not so HIDEOUSLY PHUCKING RUDE, IGNORANT AND THICK!! , but alas it seems most mobile users are.

Phuck ‘em.

Coming Soon...

Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts

2007-01-22T17:44:00.000Z

What a bunch of boring, tedious cretins! Who in their right mind would want to get up at the crack of dawn, load up their car boot with worthless tatt and spend the best part of the weekend in a muddy field haggling over the price of a used Tupperware container? Prize twats!

Okay, so I admit that I have taken part in a car boot sale (CBS) myself – ONCE! Only the once, and never ever again! As a total one off, in an attempt to clear all the crap from the house in one go, if you are moving house for example, it might (dare I say it) be almost sensible - but can you believe that some people actually go to car boot sales on a regular basis? Unbelievable!

However it gets even worse! As I understand it (now don’t laugh) but some people go to car boot sales to ‘buy’ stuff and not sell! Incredible – they voluntarily get up early on a Sunday morning (when they should be sleeping off a hangover, or at the very least shagging the missus) and then incredibly and devastatingly they ‘choose’ to go bargain hunting at the local CBS! A more clearer definition of mindless brain-dead morons there can never be.

Imagine the hell of fumbling around in the back of a dirty R reg Volvo, sorting through the useless crap that even these pathetic individuals don’t want. Must be some great stuff eh? It's nothing short of shocking –insanity – pure and simple.

Now excuse me if I am missing something here, but if you want to sell second hand goods then sell them on ebay for phucks sake! Then instead of a few sad people looking at your shit on a wet weekend, you can offer it to a global audience of literally millions of potential customers, plus of course you can stay in bed. How hard it that?

I’ll tell you why car boot sellers don’t use ebay, it’s because they are so phucking pig ignorant and mind blowingly thick that they don’t have the intelligence to turn on a computer and follow a few simple instructions! Stupid dumb phuckers, hope next time they catch pneumonia exhibiting their wares in the rain and all bloody well die off! Then next time I’m out driving on a Sunday morning I won’t be caught in a phucking traffic queue where all these sad pratts are turning right into a muddy field to sell their worthless cack. Good luck.

Coming soon...

Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’

Caravanners

2007-01-15T20:05:00.000Z

My god, what a bunch of tossers.

Who in their right mind would own a caravan? What possesses somebody to shell out thousands of pounds for a prison cell on wheels, hitch it to the back of the car and drive around towing it until they find a nice muddy field to park it in and then spend the weekend there? Horrendously stupid. What are they? Reincarnated snails or something?

You can always tell when it’s near a bank holiday because all the major roads are full of these sad pathetic wankers pulling along their prized tin-can home at a steady 20mph and phucking up road conditions big time for the rest of us normal people. Now as a matter of routine I always give the caravan owner the finger whenever I manage to overtake them on the road and shout ‘Tosser!’ as loud as I can out of the passenger window. It’s a sort of duty – I’m sure you do the same.

Why are caravans always white? What law says they have to be? I’m not talking about the ‘fixed site’ caravan that can sometimes be a sort of ugly yellow but every caravan I’ve ever seen on the road has been white – not important actually or even mildly interesting. I don't even know why I mentioned it, but perhaps it indicates the total lack of innovation and foresight of the producers and users of caravans and sums them up perfectly.

There is a stretch of dual carriageway with a slip road that rises to meet it near where I live in Colchester and as you join the carriageway and look left you can see a very busy caravan site practically under the major carriageway with the slip road towering above it. The caravans are crammed in this small grassy area not more than a few feet apart! No, it's not a Gypsy site either but genuinely used by caravan 'enthusiasts'. Absolutely amazing that people would ever want to go there. Rather than stay at home with all the normal comforts, they choose to take their caravan and slum it in a tin box for a week, with continual deafening road noise, breathing in petrol fumes and staring at the concrete of the underside of the overpass, graffiti and litter! I must take the effort one of these days to pop down to this site and interview some of the caravan owners to ask them what they think they are phucking well doing!

What do caravanners actually do when they arrive happily smiling on site? I’ll tell you what. Exactly the same as they would do if they were at home, only much, much more uncomfortably! How ridiculous.

Save up for a proper holiday you muppits! Don’t waste your time in a cramped up mobile dolls house and pretend that you are enjoying it, I can guarantee it that you are not!

I think the army should be allowed to use caravans as free target practice for their tanks, bazookas and heavy artillery. That would be great, the army can improve their shooting skills and we can all be rid of these hideous white monstrosities. Never mind if the owners are inside or not, we would be doing them a favour really in ending their dull and pointless existence.

Sorted.

Coming soon…

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’

Dog Owners

2007-01-08T21:08:00.000Z

It is quite obvious to me that anyone who owns a dog is mentally insane, disgustingly unhygienic and a scourge on society. If it wasn’t that dogs are (for some bizarre reason) an accepted part of modern society then I am sure most people would run a mile from these flea-ridden ratbags.

Man’s best friend – my phucking arse! Just look at the facts…

Dogs stink, lick their own bollocks and arsehole, shit disgustingly on the pavement, have fleas, dribble slimy disease ridden saliva over anyone who comes into contact with them, jump up and ruin clothes with mud and shit coated paws, bark incessantly at nothing, ruin carpets and furniture, cost a fortune to feed and maintain and even kill and maim kids!

What person in their right mind would entertain the idea of having one of these hideous monstrosities as a pet? Phucking brain dead morons – nothing less!

I could and perhaps should end my blog here as there can be absolutely no disagreement against any of these points, but just in case you are thicker than the phucking thickest thing that ever existed I’ll take them one by one and ram them up your sad arse! Right then…

Dogs stink – No arguments here – they phucking well stink. Not just their repulsive bad breath but their smelly arse and mingey coat! It’s not the dogs fault I know, if I never brushed my teeth or wiped my arse, I would stink like phuck too! Dogs also have the incredible ability to find things that actually stink more than they do (like a dead animal) and take great pleasure in rolling in it till they stink just as bad. Lovely pets eh?

Dogs lick their own bollocks and shit stained arsehole –Yes they do and how vile is that? No wonder their breath smells so bad! Yet most dog owners kiss their dogs and let them lick their faces and think it’s cute! Horrific. Most even let these filthy animals lick their dinner plates ‘clean’ after eating. Mind bogglingly disgusting filth!

Dogs shit – This is the worst of the lot! Yes I know we all shit – but dog owners are dirty and nauseating and let them crap on the streets, paths and public footpaths! Yeah I know that they sometimes take a token supermarket bag or nappy sack to ‘supposedly’ pick up the shit if it is done in full view of anyone, but we all know they would leave it where it was dumped if at all possible. This is totally unforgivable and if I ever catch a dog owner leaving a pile of stinking shit for others to tread in I will make them eat it I swear! It really is disgusting and simply not acceptable.

I live near a Primary School and not a week goes past without a big pile of dog shit being left in the middle of the path on the way to it. Little children running and playing on their way to school, only to tread in a steaming pile of dogs shit that some unscrupulous owner has left for them. This is an offence that should carry imprisonment.

We know that dog owners, forced to take their scruffy flee ridden pets out for their early evening walk would just love to leave the pile of crap where it is. A guilty look around, and if nobody is looking, just leave the turd where it lays and PHUCK everyone else. How they must love the long winter evenings when they can let their dog shit and crap under the cover of darkness. Bastards!

Even if the owner has been seen and feels obliged to pick the shit up– who in their right mind would want to do such a thing? Using a plastic bag as a glove to happily pick up a smelly disease ridden stinking dogs turd! Anyone who does that is clearly mentally insane. So why have a phucking dog in the first place you retard? I bet your back garden is host to several dozen shit sculptures, perfect for the children to play in. God, words fail me in my utter contempt and disgust at people who have dogs. They really must be as thick as the shit they pretend to clean up! And another thing when your vile pet has the runs how the hell do you clean that up?. Scoop it up with a spoon? Filthy disgusting vile perverted foul grotesque people! Gah!

I used to like to take country walks – but everywhere I sodding go there are dog owners. I cannot look around and admire the beautiful English countryside, the majestic trees, the fantastic scenery, the sky, the wildlife– I literally have to spend my whole phucking time looking down at the ground in case I treading in dog shit! Really it is too much.

Dogs have fleas – Yep, they all get them at some stage, plus other repulsive things. Yet most owners let them climb on the sofa, cuddle them and let them sleep on their beds. Revolting!

Dogs dribble – Hideous slimy thick saliva stinking of bad breath, dog shit and whatever they’ve eaten. It slops down on your shoes, on your clothes and on the carpet. Absolutely disgusting filth!

Dogs jump up at you – Well they don’t at me ‘cause I kick the phuckers before they get a chance to get their mud, shit coated paws anywhere near me. Others are not so lucky and get their clothes ruined by some stupid mutt that jumps up and runs their dirty paws down them. “He’s only trying to be friendly” they say – yeah right, perhaps I can get friendly with my Glock.

Dogs bark – Dogs are phucking thick as shit and bark at anything. Stupid rabid mongrels. I phucking hate them and the noise they make. Who wants to be woken up early on a Sunday morning by some stupid phucking dog that decides it wants to ball and scream the odds? Words fail me why anyone would want to own such a stupid animal.

Dogs ruin things – They chew things up, ruin furniture, piss and crap on carpets, scratch things and make everything smelly and covered in hairs. Very nice – I wish I had a dog! (I am so angry I can hardly contain my contempt and revulsion at dog owners)

Dogs cost a lot to feed and maintain – As if the above points weren’t enough for all dog owners to immediately shoot or strangle their canine companions it occurred to me that these animals must cost good money to feed. I have no interest in finding out how much a can of dog food costs or how much the mixer biscuits are, but I assume they are not cheap. Yet amazingly and pathetically dog owners will lay out this money to keep these foul beasts! Yet more – these animals need health care, vet bills, and some even pay for insurance. It is truly breathtaking that people do this, it really is.

Dogs can maim and kill - Of course their dog won’t, it's just so lovable. It’s always somebody else’s dog that does that sort of thing. Yes it’s a rare occurrence I grant you, but what sane person would take the risk, however small. Dogs are animals, pure and simple and are consequently unpredictable. Most have powerful jaws with pointed teeth that can maim or kill children and babies. It astonishes me that people take this risk however nice their pet seems to be most of the time. How a grown adult can let their little toddler play near a dog is quite frightening and the owners should be locked up for negligence! The risk maybe small, probably miniscule but how can they possibly take the risk? They are gambling with their childs life! It’s really is truly awesome in its stupidness and utter selfishness! A dog however docile can attack at any time and there are countless examples of this. Really this it so irresponsible that I am quite overcome with rage and contempt. Owners that allow this should have their children taken into care and be locked up – they are stupefying thick, as thick as arseholes!

As you can probably gather from this blog – I don’t care much for dogs, nor their owners! After reading this it must surely be impossible to disagree. How can anybody put up a sane and sensible argument against what I have written? What is mind blowing is that most dog owners don’t realise what they are doing, or why they have one. My god, some owners even have several dogs – can you imagine that? My brain cannot comprehend the unpleasantness.

Dog ownership must stop now! All male dogs should be castrated, breeders closed down and preferably all dogs put down humanely. At the very least let them die out completely, so after 12-15 years none of these disgusting creatures will be around.

What bliss!

Good dog, good boy! – In my opinion the only good dog is a phucking dead one .

Good luck.

Coming soon…

Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality’ TV

Committee Members

2007-01-01T18:50:00.000Z

Members of a Committee must surely be some of the dullest, boring and pointless people on planet Earth. They clearly have a rather inflated opinion of themselves and are actually proud to sit on the committee! They no doubt think that they are the pillars of our society, doing good work for the benefit of their fellow members making crucial decisions and play a vital role in the development of their organisation. We on the other hand know that they are just a bunch of trumped-up, self-important tediously boring tosspots that are of absolutely no use to the human race whatsoever.

Anyone who voluntary agrees to sit on a committee about anything is a total wanker.

I really struggle to think of the reasons why they would want to do such a task. Is it that they like the sound of their own voice, or that it makes them feel important, or their lives are so pathetic and devoid of meaning they will fill it with absolutely anything so long as it takes their mind off their own pointless existence, or is it that they are just nosey bastards who want to know the inner workings of the club or whatever crap they are on the committee of?

What do committee members actually do for phucks sake? I know they usually give up their own time for evening meetings when they could be doing better things. Then they politely sit around a table with their stupid notebook and pens and read the pointless minutes from the last boring meeting. The most tiresome pompous twit of them all - the Chairman (or Chairperson nowadays for phucks sake) calls the meeting to order. Then his lap-dogs the Treasurer and Club Secretary get a chance to bore everyone shitless with their reports. Then everyone gets a chance to discuss the ins and outs of a ducks arsehole until eventually even these sub-human bores finally realise what a hopeless waste of time and precious life the meeting really is, they call to order and close the meeting until next month! Get a phucking life you sad pathetic losers for Gods sake!

I think there should be a new criteria for brain-stem death - it's when you serve on a committee.

Coming soon...

Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBc Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers

Have a Bastard Good Christmas!

2006-12-25T13:06:00.000Z

Wishing you all a bastard good Christmas and happy New Year!

Normal service will be resumed next Monday. I'm too busy today eating like a pig, getting pissed up, putting together stupid poxy kids toys and generally getting fed up with all the bollocks that Christmas Day brings.

Roll on the New Year when everyone's back to work and we can all be miserable again without feeling guilty!

Ho ho ho bloody ho...

Taxi Drivers

2006-12-18T22:02:00.000Z

Taxi drivers are fat, lazy, dirty, unshaven, smelly blokes that are thick in the head, have bad breath and brown teeth. Surely you’ve noticed? It doesn’t matter what you talk to them about – they have been there, done that and know everything there is to know about the subject. Well if you’re so phucking clever how come you are ferrying around drunken arseholes on a Saturday night for a pittance when you could be swanking about having a good time yourself?

Taxi drivers the world over are reckless and dangerous behind the wheel. They are careless and ignorant of road safety. Just because they drive for a living they think they ‘own’ the road, can violate traffic laws and should receive special treatment from other road users. Well I’m sorry Mr Taxi Driver – but you bloody well don’t. Buses, ambulances, police cars and fire engines get priority and right of way, not you sweaty money-thieving lunatics. You have no right to stop suddenly to catch a fare, to hold up traffic or attempt a stupid manoeuvre on a busy road. You are supposed to be professional drivers – my smelly arse!!

For over 25 years it has been law in Britain to compulsory wear seat-belts when driving. It’s a good law too, and has saved thousands and thousands of lives. However taxi drivers seem to take great pleasure in NOT wearing seat belts and have even got special exemption from this law! Why the phuck is that? If you are driving all day for a living then presumably you are far more at risk at having an accident (especially the way these idiots drive). You would think they would wear 2 seat-belts just to make sure or a special safety harness! No, the average taxi driver is so mind-bogglingly stupefyingly thick that they choose not to wear a seat belt. Absolutely astonishing.

What can possibly be their argument not to wear one? 'It’s a bit uncomfortable to wear all the time' or 'I have to keep getting out the car to put luggage in the boot' or 'It restricts my movement' . Well I say bollocks! I’ll tell you what mate, it’s a bit more uncomfortable when you fly out through the windscreen and go screaming head first into a concrete wall or another steel vehicle breaking every bone in your body and ugly face! I mean how many brain cells do you actually need to tell you to wear a seat belt? Too many for these guys clearly.

How come when people book a taxi and it takes ages to arrive then people just accept it? But if you leave them waiting outside for half a nanosecond whilst you grab your coat, they are honking and revving their engines and stoking the meter? I know they have got a living to make, but if I treated my customers like that I wouldn’t last 5 minutes. Rude arrogant bastards.

And another thing Mr Taxi Driver, turn off that poxy CB radio thing from the control centre. Yeah that’s right, the control centre. By that I mean some demented old ugly bird in cheap clothing, smoking like a chimney in a tiny dirty dingy office with wallpaper peeling off the walls and the ceiling dripping with tar. Why not take a seat on one of the deluxe stained and dilapidated chairs for customers to use when waiting? It’s like a Chinese dope den or the gateway to hell!

Anyway (back on track) I don’t wanna hear all that inane garbage that comes from control and deafens me in your cab. I’m a paying customer so turn the stupid thing off! I don’t wanna hear all that shit! It might make you feel wanted or important – but I say bollocks! You are all just paid scum to be used by us proper blokes when we get pissed up and need some low-life to give us a lift home! If you don’t like it then tough. Phuck you lot – next time I’ll take the bus…

Coming soon…

Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants

Blokes That Don't Drink

2006-12-04T18:54:00.000Z

Well as astonishing as it might seem to ‘sane’ people like you and me, it is nevertheless a fact that some blokes don’t drink alcohol! To choose not to drink is such a bewildering and incomprehensible concept that I just don’t understand it. It surely makes no sense whatsoever. What is this point of this heroic self sacrifice? What do they hope to gain from it? It’s like choosing not to watch sport, or wank off, or eat burgers or indeed any pleasurable activity you care to mention.

I’m not just talking about teetotallers here, or those that don’t drink on so called religious or health grounds. I’m talking about the bloke who goes into the pub and orders a sodding diet coke or orange juice! What a dick! Look mate I don’t care if you are bloody well driving, get some phucking beer down your neck! If you’re driving you have no phucking business being in a pub in the first place. Sod off home and have a cup of tea you prize twat! If you are in a pub you drink – end of story. You drink lots and then get a cab, walk, bike, get her indoors to pick you up, take the bus, crib a lift or do whatever it takes! But do me a favour and have a bloody drink! There are lots of options – but I’m afraid pal – not drinking is not one of them OK?

Almost as bad are the pathetic ‘lightweights’ who have a pint or two and then are ‘too full’ to drink any more. What complete and utter tossers! What are you, some kind of tart? Get it down ya neck for phucks sake. I don’t care if you do feel bloated, or sick, so what if you’ll have a hangover in the morning – ever heard of aspirins? No excuses – drinking is what blokes do, and if you don’t then you are a sad pathetic apology for a man, and I hope you rot in hell.

Not just in pubs either. I mean what regular proper bloke doesn’t have a decent supply of cans at home in the fridge? You never know when you might need a beer, or when a mate might call round to pull a tab, or that football match on TV you’d forgotten about. It just makes perfect sense to take precautions and have a ready supply indoors. After all, a beer-stocked fridge is a joy to behold.

Over the years I’ve met several men who don’t drink, or don’t drink much. Without exception they are the most boring and dullest people I’ve have ever met! Boring phuckers with the personality of breeze blocks!

I mean what do these people do in the evening? How can they possibly go through life without the eager anticipation of an early evening pint to look forward to? It really does beggar belief. Try as I might I just cannot fathom their motives or their thought processes. Do they spend the whole evening watching soaps or chatting on the telephone? Perhaps doing some home DIY, or playing with their kids? Really I cannot think of what they can possibly get up to that they consider more important than a beer down at the local.

Look the whole point of being a bloke is to get beered up with your mates on a regular basis. Don’t you dare get on your high horse and think otherwise – you know it’s true. It’s been in our culture for centuries. Eating well and drinking good beer and wine is what life is all about. Feasting and drinking go back to the Middle Ages. Even the monks in their quiet solitude and contemplation got plastered in their monasteries – they all brewed their own beer and made their own wine. Bloody right too!

So to all you non- drinking, self righteous, goody-goody, dull-as-hell, boring farts, I say bollocks to you. Put down that TV remote, grab your hat and wallet and get down the phucking pub now, and get completely arseholed. You know it makes sense!

Coming soon...

Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers

People Who Put Up Christmas Decorations in November!

2006-11-27T22:03:00.000Z

Unscheduled blog - but it's got to be said!

Stupid premature bastards!

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas. Actually that’s a lie, as a kid I absolutely loved it, and now with my own kids I don’t mind it. Well to be honest I put up with it. As the years go by, it gets more and more of a struggle to get enthusiastic about it.

However, what I do remember was that there was never any evidence of Christmas until December , usually not until the second week or so – not phucking November or October for crying out loud!

What the sodding hell is going on? Nowadays, the summer draws to a close, you’ve just put the barbeque back in the garage, given the lawn a final cut, and rolled the hosepipe up, and before you can have a wank, there are Christmas decorations in the shops and all the stupid festive paraphernalia that goes with it! Arrrggghh!

What about the traditional office party? Nowadays most are held ridiculously early, sometimes in November! How the hell can you get into the festive spirit then? The whole point of the 'Christmas Office Do' is to let your hair down a bit! It was customarily held the Saturday before Christmas so the staff and management could forget their inhibitions and have a really great time. Being so close to Christmas, work was usually slack and staff would generally be getting into the festive spirit with no fear of reprisal. After all, everyone would get drunk, have a good time and with the Christmas and New Years holidays coming up nobody would remember what happened so long ago. When everyone returned sober and refreshed behind their desks in January, nobody would remember a thing!

So tell me, how the hell are you supposed to shag your secretary, insult the boss, grope Mrs Higgins' tits from accounts and then fall face down in your own pile of vomit if you have to be up for an important meeting bright and early the next morning in November?

OK – so we can blame the companies. Fair enough, but they are in business and if they can save money and careers by having the Xmas party early it’s understandable, if unpleasant. We can blame the shops for their stupidly in starting Christmas early – but that too is understandable, as they want to make extra profits.

HOWEVER, THE STUPID INDIVIDUALS WHO PUT UP THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IN NOVEMBER ARE CLEARLY TWATS OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!

I rack my brains and try to think of what possible explanation there could be for such stupid and bizarre behaviour! These people are mentally ill!

My guess is that these brain dead morons are so pathetic and insecure that they just want to be liked. So they buy the most expensive outside Christmas decorations they can afford. Stupid phucking snowmen glowing brightly, neon flashing Santas, elves, Rudolphs, hundreds of flashing icicles hanging from the guttering and lots of dazzling lights on the tree outside. What a load of bollocks! These idiots can’t even see the phucking things they’ve decided to put up – it’s all for the 'benefit' of passers by! Well thank you so much! They are indoors, probably peeking through the curtains, hoping to see the faces of passers by as they stare dumbfoundedly at the flashing monstrosity they have created on their house!

Now come on boys – hire that flamethrower or chain saw, grab that pick axe or baseball bat. Walk around town and take all this shit out! We should not have to put up with such hideous decorations on our streets. Pull down those odious twinkling lights, rip down those blinking neon candles, smash those cute snowman into pulp and cave smiling Santa’s phucking head in!

Enough is enough!

Coming soon...

Blokes That Don't Drink
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Religious Twats

Smokers are 'as thick as shit'

2006-11-20T23:25:00.000Z

I’m sorry, but there can be no denying it – people who smoke are just plain stupid! Thick as shit –and what’s more - they know it too! I’ve never met a smoker who hasn’t wanted to give up, tried to give up or isn't about to give up soon! They know that smoking is probably the most unintelligent, self indulgent, mind-numbingly stupid thing that any human can do. Yet they still do it!

It has been common knowledge for over a generation that smoking kills. It kills horribly, usually in a slow and painful way, a pitiful death. But just in case they haven’t noticed or lived in a cave all these years …it is plainly written in BIG BLOCK LETTERING on the front of every freaking packet. ‘SMOKING KILLS’. How clear does it have to be for Christ’s sake? It’s really quite astonishing if you think about it!

Sure, tobacco has an addictive quality, no doubt. I’m sure it’s very hard to give up. It takes quite a bit of effort and determination to quit. BUT HELLO!! This stuff is phucking killing you for Gods sake! You will die a horrible death, your lungs will fill with grotesque tar, your body will be riddled with cancer, your loved ones will slowly watch you die an agonising death. How much of an incentive do you actually need? It is amazing what people will do not to admit to what they are doing!

So why did they start smoking in the first place? To look cool? Does having a stupid fag hanging out their mouth and their breath stinking of rancid fumes make them trendy? I think not!

It’s possible to understand why the older generation smoke. In those days there simply was not the information available to let them know how really bad it was. That together with lots of advertising (now banned) and historical reasons (everyone smoked) it's really not surprising that they became hooked.

There is however ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER for the modern youngster to smoke. Unless they are blind, deaf or severely brain damaged there is simply no reason to smoke. Everyone knows it kills. It really makes me sad and angry to see young attractive people with their whole lives ahead of them smoking. They are truly the thickest people who ever drew breath.

What about the cost of smoking? At over £5.00 a packet, a pack a day amounts to over £150.00 a month. Ok it’s not a mortgage payment but it soon adds up. The cost alone should be enough to put people off, but sadly not. Yeah, and you make my clothes stink too, you selfish bastards. Keep your foul stinking, pollutants to yourself. I drink beer, but I don’t piss it out all over you do I?

Have you ever been walking outside a new office building during the day and seen the sad pathetic smokers forced to smoke outside in the freezing cold? Shivering in the wind and vainly attempting to shield their match to light their fags, whist leaving their co-workers to cover their work load so they can get a quick puff-and-a-drag. It has got to be one of the most sad and demeaning sights ever to behold. Surely they must realise then how stupid their habit really is.

I normally wind up my blogs, with an attempt at a witty way to kill off the perpetrators. Sadly I do not have to do it this time, They are taking care of that themselves more than adequately thank you very much.

Actually this blog has really pissed me off. I usually thoroughly enjoy putting the world in order on a Monday but this time it has just made me depressed and fed up. Might as well go and top myself – or maybe I’ll go and light up instead.

People Who Wash Their Cars

2006-11-13T21:35:00.000Z

Right then – people who wash their cars – what total twats!

Technology is a truly wonderful thing. It has given us so many wonderful things… sliced bread, satellite TV, Off Licences, computers, kebab shops, MP3 players, the internet, air travel, Carlsberg lager, the Space Shuttle, wank mags and so many other incredible and amazing things. Inventions that make our life so much easier. Labour saving devices, luxuries and a whole multitude of brilliant things that you can’t begin to name then. Ok then, so please answer me this simple question : Why the hell do people go outside and wash their cars when there is a perfectly good car wash just down the road?!

I mean you don’t rub two bits of wood together to make a fire - you use an invention called a match. You don’t walk 5 miles to the nearest pub, you call a cab, and you don’t try to cook a curry when there is an Indian takeaway just around the corner! It’s not really that hard. Why then, do these muppits spend an hour or so carefully washing and waxing their precious car when there is a perfectly good car wash a few miles away? Or better still one of those hand car washes where you sit inside feeling superior as the local spotty teenage delinquents wax, clean and polish the car for you.

Clearly one cannot wash cars on a Sunday morning – that is so mind bogglingly cliché that you might as well go the whole hog and have artificial butterflies stuck to the side of the house and gnomes in the garden. I bet these tossers, out with a cheery smile on a Sunday morning, carefully scrubbing their hub caps are the sort of bloke who will be seen later on down the local public house for a typical Sunday lunchtime amateur hour. Sunday lunchtime drinking is for people who don’t drink, but think they should! It comes as no surprise that these people choose to wash their cars on the Sabbath.

Cars are a mode of transport – period! So long as you can see clearly out of the windows in all directions it is clean enough! When it gets too dirty, then take it to the phucking car wash moron! Don’t clean the stupid thing by hand (especially on a Sunday) Get a life , you sad pathetic wanker. Give the bucket and sponge to the kids so they can wash it or else celebrate your cars dirtiness in all its glory. You are a long time dead, so don’t waste your pathetic life attempting to remove dirt from the deepest recesses of your stupid car that nobody but you gives a shit about. Now come on, get a grip man!

Coming Soon...

Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited phone calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses

Women Golfers

2006-11-06T20:59:00.000Z

How in Gods name did it come to this? How the hell were women allowed near a golf course? Who is responsible for this debacle? It is sickening beyond belief! And wrong, so very wrong. The closest any woman should get to a golf course is serving the ham, egg and chips at the local men only Monthly Golf Society. Then, if she is clever, she can dash home and sort the tea out for her old man before he gives her a good slapping.

For starters women’s bodies are just not designed for golf – they have fat wobbly bits that get in the way, their legs are too wide at the thighs, they are feeble and they have no coordination. Have you ever seen a girl trying to throw a ball? It’s laughable, they simply cannot play sport at all. They are however perfectly formed for such things as cooking, cleaning, dusting and numerous other useful household duties.

As any male golfer will tell you, getting stuck behind a ladies four-ball is the ultimate disaster. A pain so immense, so mind-bogglingly awful that no man should ever have to endure it. Yet they do – frequently!

Look, it’s quite simple, women can’t play golf. They are crap, useless, hopeless – a small boy in nappies can play better than all of them. If they manage to hit the ball at all it never gets more than 2 feet in the air nor goes further than 20 yards. They ‘bunnie-hop’ in the general direction of the green and it takes a dozen shots or more to get there! They cannot play the game – fact – it’s an utter disgrace to mankind that they are allowed to attempt do so.

Always in four-balls of course, so they can natter, generally 45-60 plus with grey hair, hideous fat backsides, and with their motorised trolleys. I mean who ever allowed these repulsive old dogs on the course!

Even the simplest and shortest golf course is evidently far too hard for the woman golfer. They are simply not good enough. It’s just not right and proper that they should be allowed on the course. After all, men wouldn’t be seen attempting to play netball or enter knitting contests, so why don’t they show some respect and sod off!?

If they must play (which clearly they must not) then we should insist they play on their own purpose-built dedicated Ladies Only Courses. These should consist of half a dozen short holes of 100 yards in a small loop enclosing a complex where they can stop, sit down, have a chat, perhaps do some washing and ironing, knit, sew, hold coffee mornings, talk utter bollocks and generally stay out of the way of real golfers!

And now we come to ‘The Ultimate Sin’ – playing golf with your wife! What the phuck is wrong with these morons? I mean, come on fella, are you out of your tiny mind? Surely the whole point in playing golf is that it gets you away from the bitch indoors for a few sacred hours. How stupid do you have to be to play golf with her? Absolutely unforgivable.

Clearly any man found guilty of this heinous crime should be strangled to death by wrapping his driver around his neck and then strung up to a nearby tree to rot. A suitably labelled sign displayed nearby can then act as a warning to any man who harbours such similar stupid ideas. Then we might have a chance!

Coming soon...

People Who Wash Their Cars
Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio

Cyclists in Lycra

2006-10-30T08:21:00.000Z

Mmmmm… where do we begin with these bastards?

Well firstly, I must be honest and admit that I own a bicycle. Furthermore, I admit that I occasionally go on bike rides – usually in the summer months with the kids in tow slowly peddling down a quiet country road to a nice pub with garden. Sup a few pints and then leisurely wind our way back home again, always careful and aware of the occasional vehicle that may pass. If we hear or see a vehicle coming, than we happily move out of the way to the verge of the road, stop and wait for them to pass. Healthy respect given to the vehicle at all times – after all they are large and heavy and can do damage, plus of course they have the right of way without question!

What is it then with these career twats in brightly coloured, body hugging Lycra?

We’ve all seen them. In their skull contoured helmets, bent low over their stupid handlebars, butt rhythmically swaying from side to side on their cycles with ultra thin road tyres on super lightweight frames. They are like creatures from another planet. The Planet Knob.

Have they got a death-wish? Have they got huge chips on their collective shoulders? Do they think that because they look like assholes we will feel sorry for them and not mow them down? And why don’t these tossers ever get out of the bloody way? They seem to take great pleasure in not allowing motorists to pass them and will go out of their way and jeopardise their own safety to do so. There can be a long queue of frustrated traffic behind them and a convenient place for them to pull off the road, but these twats won’t even change their course or speed one jot to let legitimate road users pass them. Quite often they will come in pairs and decide to ride side by side – I mean these morons must die!

It is as if they are on some kind of life mission to totally and completely make life a misery for car drivers! Now excuse me, but roads were built for and funded by car drivers, not these self righteous twats who never pay a penny in road tax and think they own the road! In my opinion they have absolutely no right of way whatsoever. In fact when a car comes up behind them, they should get off their stupid vehicles and bow humbly several times to the passing motorist. They are the scourge of society, they look ridiculous and they cause much stress and anxiety to all other road users.

Never has a solution been more obvious and deserved. Mow the bastards down! Wipe them from the face of the earth. Run them over, then reverse and run over them again just to be sure! Take their bicycle pumps and shove it so far up their asses it comes out their ears. Burn down the factories of the cycle manufacturers, close down the shops that sell the stupid stuff they wear, tarmac over all the cycle lanes, ban the tour de France or better still relocate it and make it run concurrently with the Monoco Grand Prix on the same track. These bastards must die. Then and only then can say we say… job done.

Coming Soon...

Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates

Slapheads

2006-10-23T09:21:00.000+01:00

Slaphead, slaphead, over there
What's it like to 'ave no hair?
Is it hot or is it cold?
I dunno 'cos I aint bald.

Now, let me make this clear from the start. I have nothing against men with bald heads who are either over 65, under medication causing hair-loss or have decided to shave their heads on purpose. What I cannot forgive however are men who are bald for no good reason. What the hell is wrong with these people? It’s so unnatural.

Look, it’s quite simple. Baring unfortunate accidents, men have, amongst other things, two arms, two legs, two ears, two eyes, a mouth, a nose and hair on top of their heads. What’s difficult about that? It’s called being a human being. I mean that’s what humans have on their heads – hair – right?

So what’s wrong with these follicly challenged persons? Why are there so many of these deformed slap-heads around? Are they missing some vital nutrient from their diet or do they spend hours plucking out the hairs? Whatever it is, it must take them considerable effort to look so stupid and ridiculous. Hat’s off to them!

What about the wig wearers? I mean come on. Do they really think they can get away with that? Elton John perhaps the most famous rug wearer of them all looks a total pratt. We all saw him rapidly going bald in his early career – and then a miracle –he turns up the next day with a full head of someone else’s hair! Who is he trying to kid? Everyone knows he is an ugly, bald, rich, slap-headed poof, so what’s the point?

However the ones that really take the piss and are beneath contempt are the slap-heads with beards! I mean what’s all that about? It’s like they have got their stupid heads on upside down or something – it’s just not right. What are they trying to say to the rest of us? “Look I know I’m bald on top, but I really can grow hair, honest I can – look I’ve got some on my face” Pathetic or what?

I think all people who are unnaturally ‘slappy’ should be obligated to wear special moulded solar panels on their bald heads. These panels can be connected to a small charger unit kept in their pocket. That way they can generate small bits of electricity and charge up batteries or something for the rest of us. Then, next time you see a slap head walking down the street, you can lob him a AA and say, “Here baldy, charge that up for me will ya?”

Job done.

Coming Soon...

Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife

Blokes That Don't Like Sport

2006-10-16T10:03:00.000+01:00

Hard to imagine really, but apparently such ‘men’ do exist.

The calendar is filled with a glittering array of enthralling and exciting sporting events, some of which can literally take your breath away. The tension and drama of our top sporting moments is better than sex for most men.

We all have our preferred sporting events, and there are too many to mention them all, but where would we be without The Premier League, The Champions League, The Open, The Ryder Cup, The Six Nations, Test Matches vs. the Aussies, The Grand National? Each bloke has is own particular favourite and nothing will stop him from watching it unfold. Nothing. Superb excitement and high drama. The outcome can make you feel absolutely elated, on top of the world, or it can make you miserable, desolate and devastated. Not just watching of course, but participating too. How else do you expect to get away from the wife and kids for hours on end if you don't play a bit of golf or some other sport?

Yet amazingly some blokes don’t watch, don't play and aren’t interested.

When I first met a bloke like this I was shocked, stunned, speechless. I didn’t know how to respond, how to react. It was like someone saying that they didn’t drink beer! I mean it just didn’t make sense. What do they do instead? Sew buttons on their shirts, do the ironing, bake a cake? – I mean come on! What on earth do they talk about when they go down the pub? ? It makes you want to give them a good kicking.

Clearly they are assholes of the highest order and have something severely wrong with them.

At least with women you know where they are with regard to sport. They don’t watch it ever, period. That’s understandable and fair enough. Assuming we watch sports that we enjoyed playing at one time or another, its hard to imagine getting worked up watching a game of netball or rounders (unless they are topless of course).

So women don’t watch sport, but blokes do and that’s that.

What then are we to do with these ‘male’ oddities?

To start with they need to be shunned and despised at every opportunity, that’s goes without saying, but I don’t think that is going far enough. Perhaps, since these blokes wish to be like girls, we should grant their wishes and hack off their dicks! Yes, clearly castration is the solution. We can then insist they have 'Dickless Twat' tattooed on their foreheads to warn them from the rest of us proper blokes. Job done!

(I've just had a horrific thought. Although I am leaving the topic of 'Blokes That Don’t Drink' for a later blog, it has just occurred to me that there might actually be a bloke somewhere who doesn’t watch sport or drink – bloody hell!!! What the phuck are we supposed to with him?)

Coming Soon...

Slap Heads
Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Idiots Who Smoke
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts

Fat People

2006-10-09T20:04:00.000+01:00

Fat people are disgusting and repulsive. They have no self-discipline or control and are an utter disgrace to the human race. They are self-indulgent to the extreme. I hate every atom in their vile, bloated, lard-ridden bodies. All that matters to them is what's next to shove down their greedy fat gobs!

Don’t they realize how positively disgusting they look? How hideously fat and ugly. Why aren’t they thoroughly ashamed of themselves? Why don’t they stay indoors out of my sight? Surely these overweight fatties must look at themselves in the mirror and feel appalled at the sight. Assuming they do, then why don’t they do something about it? I’ll tell you why, it's because they’re too bloody 'let's stuff my face' lazy!

Now don’t get me wrong, a beer gut is obviously cool. Having a big beer belly is a sure sign of class and contentment – but let’s not confuse this with the real slobs of society who continually stuff food down their gluttonous throats. What’s the matter with them? Do they think that all the shops are suddenly going to run out of food, so they have to stuff as much grub in their mouths as they can before it happens?– I mean, I really want to know.

What is so sad or even comical, is that many of these fat bastards are on diets! Do me a favour you lazy fat slobs. It’s quite simple – put away your “lose weight now” books, calorie controlled diets, slim-fast supplements. Forget your visit to Weight-Watcher sessions or your woeful attempts at exercise…if you want to lose weight…

…DON’T BLOODY WELL EAT SO MUCH!!!!!

If you eat a lot you get fat, if you don’t eat a lot you don't get fat . Bloody simple really.

How difficult is that for Christ’s sake?

Some of these fat people will argue their innocence…" It's not my fault, I have big bones, its my metabolism, it’s in my genes." Yeah right! The only things that’s in their jeans is their gargantuan fat cellulite butt!.

And answer me this, why don’t these collosal bloaters have to pay double for their air fares? It must take twice as much fuel to get the aircraft off the ground with these enormous tubbies onboard, that is if their expansive buttocks can fit in the seats. Never mind, I suppose the normal, self controlled, average weight people will just have to subsidise them. How fair is that?

In additional of course, because of their pathetic lack of will power, they become so fat and grotesque that they develop health problems. What a surprise! Did they expect carrying around an extra 5-10 stone of lard around was good for them? When was the last time you saw an old fat person? Of course it is the average man in the street, Mr Taxpayer who has to foot the heath bill for these fat obese slobs.

The solution therefore is obvious, every person in the country should be seen by a doctor once a year by law and if they are deemed more than 3 stone overweight they have their mouths surgically wired shut until they are thin. Simple and effective treatment – they lose weight, we save money – everyone’s happy. Plus we can all point and laugh at them.

Job done.

Coming soon...

Blokes That Don't Like Sport
Slap Heads
Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Idiots Who Smoke
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts

Women are Hideous

2006-10-03T08:13:00.000+01:00

What is the point of women? Apart from the obvious of course, like doing the washing, cooking the dinner, getting the shopping and cleaning the house they have very little to offer. Some of them might actually be nice to look at, or even worth a quick poke, but you wouldn't want to actually live with one - perish the thought.

Most women you see about town are fat, many hideously so. Fat and horrible and downright disgusting - the amazing thing is though, that most of these fat slags have kids. How the phuck does that work? What right-minded bloke is going to own up to that? I mean how drunk do you have to get? Yuk, categorically revolting.

Since they have marginal uses , I don't have a problem with women being kept in some kind of locked room, or cellar, to be let out to do their chores from time to time, but no way should they be given the freedom of the house. There was a bloke who had a great idea, it was in the paper last year sometime. He kept his girlfriend on a collar and lead and just pulled her along behind him and tied her up to things when he was fed up with her. Makes perfect sense to me.

Women of course talk far too much, incessantly so. If fact if you have the stomach to watch a group of women talking together it is quite frightening. They all talk at once, not listening to a single word the others say, just so long as they can each squark out their totally boring and irrelavent drivel. What a waste of energy. This neatly brings me to my great idea of harnessing all this energy, reducing greenhouse gas emissions and saving the planet... jaw dynamos.

All women should be issued with a jaw dynamo device when they reach a certain age and should be obligated to carry it with them at all times - by law. This clever device, which I am about to patent, fits neatly around the jaws of women and of course converts all the frenzied mouth action into useful electricity. When in public buildings, pubs, cafes and the like (and of course at home) the other end of the device can be plugged into convenient ports on the walls and fed directly into the National Grid. It would take a bit of infrastructure to get going but would pay for itself within a short while. Notices would have to be displayed at first to remind them of their obligations... "Ladies please plug your jaw dynamos into the nearest available port" or something like that. The devices might look a bit ugly at first but eventually the design could be improved and they would be soon be available in different colours to match their lipstick and handbags.

Failing that or maybe as a complemenary service all women should be fitted with a "mute" button. This could be fitted under the skin, possibly on the left shoulder or other easily accessible place and should work like a toggle button. Mute/mute off. In this way, when the talking simply gets too much for any man in the vicinity to bear he can simply press her shoulder and turn her off. This would be a particulaly useful feature and wouldn't neccesariliy adversily effect electricity generation either, since her jaws could still move, just no sound would come out and it would take her a while to realise. For example, if the missus if giving you grief, a knowing wink to a nearby bloke and he will obligingly tap her shoulder and turn her off.

Job done!

Coming soon...

Fat People
Blokes That Don't Like Sport
Slap Heads
Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Idiots Who Smoke
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts