Cyclists in Lycra

Mmmmm… where do we begin with these bastards?

Well firstly, I must be honest and admit that I own a bicycle. Furthermore, I admit that I occasionally go on bike rides – usually in the summer months with the kids in tow slowly peddling down a quiet country road to a nice pub with garden. Sup a few pints and then leisurely wind our way back home again, always careful and aware of the occasional vehicle that may pass. If we hear or see a vehicle coming, than we happily move out of the way to the verge of the road, stop and wait for them to pass. Healthy respect given to the vehicle at all times – after all they are large and heavy and can do damage, plus of course they have the right of way without question!

What is it then with these career twats in brightly coloured, body hugging Lycra?

We’ve all seen them. In their skull contoured helmets, bent low over their stupid handlebars, butt rhythmically swaying from side to side on their cycles with ultra thin road tyres on super lightweight frames. They are like creatures from another planet. The Planet Knob.

Have they got a death-wish? Have they got huge chips on their collective shoulders? Do they think that because they look like assholes we will feel sorry for them and not mow them down? And why don’t these tossers ever get out of the bloody way? They seem to take great pleasure in not allowing motorists to pass them and will go out of their way and jeopardise their own safety to do so. There can be a long queue of frustrated traffic behind them and a convenient place for them to pull off the road, but these twats won’t even change their course or speed one jot to let legitimate road users pass them. Quite often they will come in pairs and decide to ride side by side – I mean these morons must die!

It is as if they are on some kind of life mission to totally and completely make life a misery for car drivers! Now excuse me, but roads were built for and funded by car drivers, not these self righteous twats who never pay a penny in road tax and think they own the road! In my opinion they have absolutely no right of way whatsoever. In fact when a car comes up behind them, they should get off their stupid vehicles and bow humbly several times to the passing motorist. They are the scourge of society, they look ridiculous and they cause much stress and anxiety to all other road users.

Never has a solution been more obvious and deserved. Mow the bastards down! Wipe them from the face of the earth. Run them over, then reverse and run over them again just to be sure! Take their bicycle pumps and shove it so far up their asses it comes out their ears. Burn down the factories of the cycle manufacturers, close down the shops that sell the stupid stuff they wear, tarmac over all the cycle lanes, ban the tour de France or better still relocate it and make it run concurrently with the Monoco Grand Prix on the same track. These bastards must die. Then and only then can say we say… job done.

Coming Soon...

Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates

Slapheads

Slaphead, slaphead, over there
What's it like to 'ave no hair?
Is it hot or is it cold?
I dunno 'cos I aint bald.

Now, let me make this clear from the start. I have nothing against men with bald heads who are either over 65, under medication causing hair-loss or have decided to shave their heads on purpose. What I cannot forgive however are men who are bald for no good reason. What the hell is wrong with these people? It’s so unnatural.

Look, it’s quite simple. Baring unfortunate accidents, men have, amongst other things, two arms, two legs, two ears, two eyes, a mouth, a nose and hair on top of their heads. What’s difficult about that? It’s called being a human being. I mean that’s what humans have on their heads – hair – right?

So what’s wrong with these follicly challenged persons? Why are there so many of these deformed slap-heads around? Are they missing some vital nutrient from their diet or do they spend hours plucking out the hairs? Whatever it is, it must take them considerable effort to look so stupid and ridiculous. Hat’s off to them!

What about the wig wearers? I mean come on. Do they really think they can get away with that? Elton John perhaps the most famous rug wearer of them all looks a total pratt. We all saw him rapidly going bald in his early career – and then a miracle –he turns up the next day with a full head of someone else’s hair! Who is he trying to kid? Everyone knows he is an ugly, bald, rich, slap-headed poof, so what’s the point?

However the ones that really take the piss and are beneath contempt are the slap-heads with beards! I mean what’s all that about? It’s like they have got their stupid heads on upside down or something – it’s just not right. What are they trying to say to the rest of us? “Look I know I’m bald on top, but I really can grow hair, honest I can – look I’ve got some on my face” Pathetic or what?

I think all people who are unnaturally ‘slappy’ should be obligated to wear special moulded solar panels on their bald heads. These panels can be connected to a small charger unit kept in their pocket. That way they can generate small bits of electricity and charge up batteries or something for the rest of us. Then, next time you see a slap head walking down the street, you can lob him a AA and say, “Here baldy, charge that up for me will ya?”

Job done.

Coming Soon...

Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife

Blokes That Don't Like Sport

Hard to imagine really, but apparently such ‘men’ do exist.

The calendar is filled with a glittering array of enthralling and exciting sporting events, some of which can literally take your breath away. The tension and drama of our top sporting moments is better than sex for most men.

We all have our preferred sporting events, and there are too many to mention them all, but where would we be without The Premier League, The Champions League, The Open, The Ryder Cup, The Six Nations, Test Matches vs. the Aussies, The Grand National? Each bloke has is own particular favourite and nothing will stop him from watching it unfold. Nothing. Superb excitement and high drama. The outcome can make you feel absolutely elated, on top of the world, or it can make you miserable, desolate and devastated. Not just watching of course, but participating too. How else do you expect to get away from the wife and kids for hours on end if you don't play a bit of golf or some other sport?

Yet amazingly some blokes don’t watch, don't play and aren’t interested.

When I first met a bloke like this I was shocked, stunned, speechless. I didn’t know how to respond, how to react. It was like someone saying that they didn’t drink beer! I mean it just didn’t make sense. What do they do instead? Sew buttons on their shirts, do the ironing, bake a cake? – I mean come on! What on earth do they talk about when they go down the pub? ? It makes you want to give them a good kicking.

Clearly they are assholes of the highest order and have something severely wrong with them.

At least with women you know where they are with regard to sport. They don’t watch it ever, period. That’s understandable and fair enough. Assuming we watch sports that we enjoyed playing at one time or another, its hard to imagine getting worked up watching a game of netball or rounders (unless they are topless of course).

So women don’t watch sport, but blokes do and that’s that.

What then are we to do with these ‘male’ oddities?

To start with they need to be shunned and despised at every opportunity, that’s goes without saying, but I don’t think that is going far enough. Perhaps, since these blokes wish to be like girls, we should grant their wishes and hack off their dicks! Yes, clearly castration is the solution. We can then insist they have 'Dickless Twat' tattooed on their foreheads to warn them from the rest of us proper blokes. Job done!

(I've just had a horrific thought. Although I am leaving the topic of 'Blokes That Don’t Drink' for a later blog, it has just occurred to me that there might actually be a bloke somewhere who doesn’t watch sport or drink – bloody hell!!! What the phuck are we supposed to with him?)

Coming Soon...

Slap Heads
Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Idiots Who Smoke
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts

Fat People

Fat people are disgusting and repulsive. They have no self-discipline or control and are an utter disgrace to the human race. They are self-indulgent to the extreme. I hate every atom in their vile, bloated, lard-ridden bodies. All that matters to them is what's next to shove down their greedy fat gobs!

Don’t they realize how positively disgusting they look? How hideously fat and ugly. Why aren’t they thoroughly ashamed of themselves? Why don’t they stay indoors out of my sight? Surely these overweight fatties must look at themselves in the mirror and feel appalled at the sight. Assuming they do, then why don’t they do something about it? I’ll tell you why, it's because they’re too bloody 'let's stuff my face' lazy!

Now don’t get me wrong, a beer gut is obviously cool. Having a big beer belly is a sure sign of class and contentment – but let’s not confuse this with the real slobs of society who continually stuff food down their gluttonous throats. What’s the matter with them? Do they think that all the shops are suddenly going to run out of food, so they have to stuff as much grub in their mouths as they can before it happens?– I mean, I really want to know.

What is so sad or even comical, is that many of these fat bastards are on diets! Do me a favour you lazy fat slobs. It’s quite simple – put away your “lose weight now” books, calorie controlled diets, slim-fast supplements. Forget your visit to Weight-Watcher sessions or your woeful attempts at exercise…if you want to lose weight…

…DON’T BLOODY WELL EAT SO MUCH!!!!!

If you eat a lot you get fat, if you don’t eat a lot you don't get fat . Bloody simple really.

How difficult is that for Christ’s sake?

Some of these fat people will argue their innocence…" It's not my fault, I have big bones, its my metabolism, it’s in my genes." Yeah right! The only things that’s in their jeans is their gargantuan fat cellulite butt!.

And answer me this, why don’t these collosal bloaters have to pay double for their air fares? It must take twice as much fuel to get the aircraft off the ground with these enormous tubbies onboard, that is if their expansive buttocks can fit in the seats. Never mind, I suppose the normal, self controlled, average weight people will just have to subsidise them. How fair is that?

In additional of course, because of their pathetic lack of will power, they become so fat and grotesque that they develop health problems. What a surprise! Did they expect carrying around an extra 5-10 stone of lard around was good for them? When was the last time you saw an old fat person? Of course it is the average man in the street, Mr Taxpayer who has to foot the heath bill for these fat obese slobs.

The solution therefore is obvious, every person in the country should be seen by a doctor once a year by law and if they are deemed more than 3 stone overweight they have their mouths surgically wired shut until they are thin. Simple and effective treatment – they lose weight, we save money – everyone’s happy. Plus we can all point and laugh at them.

Job done.

Coming soon...

Blokes That Don't Like Sport
Slap Heads
Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Idiots Who Smoke
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts

Women are Hideous

What is the point of women? Apart from the obvious of course, like doing the washing, cooking the dinner, getting the shopping and cleaning the house they have very little to offer. Some of them might actually be nice to look at, or even worth a quick poke, but you wouldn't want to actually live with one - perish the thought.


Most women you see about town are fat, many hideously so. Fat and horrible and downright disgusting - the amazing thing is though, that most of these fat slags have kids. How the phuck does that work? What right-minded bloke is going to own up to that? I mean how drunk do you have to get? Yuk, categorically revolting.


Since they have marginal uses , I don't have a problem with women being kept in some kind of locked room, or cellar, to be let out to do their chores from time to time, but no way should they be given the freedom of the house. There was a bloke who had a great idea, it was in the paper last year sometime. He kept his girlfriend on a collar and lead and just pulled her along behind him and tied her up to things when he was fed up with her. Makes perfect sense to me.


Women of course talk far too much, incessantly so. If fact if you have the stomach to watch a group of women talking together it is quite frightening. They all talk at once, not listening to a single word the others say, just so long as they can each squark out their totally boring and irrelavent drivel. What a waste of energy. This neatly brings me to my great idea of harnessing all this energy, reducing greenhouse gas emissions and saving the planet... jaw dynamos.


All women should be issued with a jaw dynamo device when they reach a certain age and should be obligated to carry it with them at all times - by law. This clever device, which I am about to patent, fits neatly around the jaws of women and of course converts all the frenzied mouth action into useful electricity. When in public buildings, pubs, cafes and the like (and of course at home) the other end of the device can be plugged into convenient ports on the walls and fed directly into the National Grid. It would take a bit of infrastructure to get going but would pay for itself within a short while. Notices would have to be displayed at first to remind them of their obligations... "Ladies please plug your jaw dynamos into the nearest available port" or something like that. The devices might look a bit ugly at first but eventually the design could be improved and they would be soon be available in different colours to match their lipstick and handbags.


Failing that or maybe as a complemenary service all women should be fitted with a "mute" button. This could be fitted under the skin, possibly on the left shoulder or other easily accessible place and should work like a toggle button. Mute/mute off. In this way, when the talking simply gets too much for any man in the vicinity to bear he can simply press her shoulder and turn her off. This would be a particulaly useful feature and wouldn't neccesariliy adversily effect electricity generation either, since her jaws could still move, just no sound would come out and it would take her a while to realise. For example, if the missus if giving you grief, a knowing wink to a nearby bloke and he will obligingly tap her shoulder and turn her off.


Job done!


Coming soon...

Fat People
Blokes That Don't Like Sport
Slap Heads
Cyclists in Lycra
Women Golfers
People Who Wash Their Cars
Idiots Who Smoke
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts