Taxi Drivers

Taxi drivers are fat, lazy, dirty, unshaven, smelly blokes that are thick in the head, have bad breath and brown teeth. Surely you’ve noticed? It doesn’t matter what you talk to them about – they have been there, done that and know everything there is to know about the subject. Well if you’re so phucking clever how come you are ferrying around drunken arseholes on a Saturday night for a pittance when you could be swanking about having a good time yourself?

Taxi drivers the world over are reckless and dangerous behind the wheel. They are careless and ignorant of road safety. Just because they drive for a living they think they ‘own’ the road, can violate traffic laws and should receive special treatment from other road users. Well I’m sorry Mr Taxi Driver – but you bloody well don’t. Buses, ambulances, police cars and fire engines get priority and right of way, not you sweaty money-thieving lunatics. You have no right to stop suddenly to catch a fare, to hold up traffic or attempt a stupid manoeuvre on a busy road. You are supposed to be professional drivers – my smelly arse!!

For over 25 years it has been law in Britain to compulsory wear seat-belts when driving. It’s a good law too, and has saved thousands and thousands of lives. However taxi drivers seem to take great pleasure in NOT wearing seat belts and have even got special exemption from this law! Why the phuck is that? If you are driving all day for a living then presumably you are far more at risk at having an accident (especially the way these idiots drive). You would think they would wear 2 seat-belts just to make sure or a special safety harness! No, the average taxi driver is so mind-bogglingly stupefyingly thick that they choose not to wear a seat belt. Absolutely astonishing.

What can possibly be their argument not to wear one? 'It’s a bit uncomfortable to wear all the time' or 'I have to keep getting out the car to put luggage in the boot' or 'It restricts my movement' . Well I say bollocks! I’ll tell you what mate, it’s a bit more uncomfortable when you fly out through the windscreen and go screaming head first into a concrete wall or another steel vehicle breaking every bone in your body and ugly face! I mean how many brain cells do you actually need to tell you to wear a seat belt? Too many for these guys clearly.

How come when people book a taxi and it takes ages to arrive then people just accept it? But if you leave them waiting outside for half a nanosecond whilst you grab your coat, they are honking and revving their engines and stoking the meter? I know they have got a living to make, but if I treated my customers like that I wouldn’t last 5 minutes. Rude arrogant bastards.

And another thing Mr Taxi Driver, turn off that poxy CB radio thing from the control centre. Yeah that’s right, the control centre. By that I mean some demented old ugly bird in cheap clothing, smoking like a chimney in a tiny dirty dingy office with wallpaper peeling off the walls and the ceiling dripping with tar. Why not take a seat on one of the deluxe stained and dilapidated chairs for customers to use when waiting? It’s like a Chinese dope den or the gateway to hell!

Anyway (back on track) I don’t wanna hear all that inane garbage that comes from control and deafens me in your cab. I’m a paying customer so turn the stupid thing off! I don’t wanna hear all that shit! It might make you feel wanted or important – but I say bollocks! You are all just paid scum to be used by us proper blokes when we get pissed up and need some low-life to give us a lift home! If you don’t like it then tough. Phuck you lot – next time I’ll take the bus…

Coming soon…

Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants