People With Personal Number Plates

I can’t think of a more pointless thing to do nor a more wanton waste of money than to buy a personal number plate.

I mean why do it? Why advertise that fact that you are an insecure attention seeking tosser and pay good money to publicly humiliate yourself? Can’t you donate it to charity or something?

For some strange reason, certain individuals (presumably otherwise sane) decide to research, track down and then purchase at great expense a personal number plate to fix to their vehicle. Why? In addition of course they have to pay extra to have the plate made and fitted! Astonishing really.

What possible buzz can you get from having your initials on your car licence plate? I really don’t see the fascination at all. There must be something not quite right with these people, I’m just not sure what it is!

Excuse my if I’m wrong here, but aren’t all car number plates personal and unique to the registered owner of the vehicle? I think you will find that I am right – so, I repeat what is the point, apart from being completely pointless?

Do you really think that by paying £100,000 for a plate that says M1KE 67 you are going to amaze and astound your friends? I think not.

I'll tell you what mate, it doesn’t impress me at all! In fact quite the opposite – surely you must realise that all you are doing is advertising the fact that you are a prize wanker who has money to burn!

Words fail me.

T055ER5

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BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists & Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts

Pikey Gypo Low-Life

I don’t think that I’m going to upset too many people this week, after all -we all phucking hate pikeys and all they stand for!

From the seedy con artists that tell your fortune at the traditional seaside resort, the fairground ‘workers’ that fleece you for a ride on the dogems to the filthy thieving scumbags at the local Pikey site – oh yes I hate every damn one of them.

Now I believe it is law that all local councils in Britain must put aside land for ‘travellers’. What a waste of money – why encourage these bastards? We don’t want them around. They make a disgusting mess of the area as they drop litter and other filth, they steal goods and property from local businesses and households, nick cars, joy-ride and make the local residents frightened to leave their houses at night.

Most of these plebeian rat-bags can’t even write there own name they are so ignorant and uneducated. Of course this is by choice, their choice, not because of hardship or bad luck. Fancy choosing to be as thick as an arsehole.

Though they thieve and pillage, I believe some of these lazy shits do some work, like chopping down perfectly good trees or making a complete hash of some poor old pensioners driveway whom they have cajoled into agreeing to let them do it. I bet you a fiver to all the fleas in their caravan that they don’t pay a penny in tax or national insurance. No doubt however they manage to claim all sorts of government handouts despite having no fixed abode or ability to write.

Why the phuck are they travelling anyway? Let me guess – after they have moved into an area, wrecked it, turned the land they are on into a cess pit, thieved and stole from local residents, ripped off old ladies, collected their dole money, it's time to move on and do the same thing somewhere else. What a scam!

It’s got nothing to do with their ‘culture’ or heritage – they are just thieving lying scum bags, that keep on the move to avoid capture. Change counties regularly and the Police aren't gonna be bothered to prosecute unless it's murder.

There is only one solution – send the whole phucking lot to an island somewhere. Let’s say the Isle of Wight (nobody in their right mind would live there anyway). Change it’s name to Pikey Island and let them phucking well have it. Then they can tarmac over the whole phucking lot, steal and commit crimes against one another, inter-breed, rip each other off and see who can stink the most. They will surely have the time of their lives.

Phuck ‘em

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People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists

Blokes In Replica Football Shirts

Why is it that most blokes who follow their favourite football team insist on wearing unflattering yet expensive replica football shirts?

Most of these blokes are probably quite sane in normal circumstances and even fashion conscious. Why is it then that they persist on wearing brightly coloured, shiny, very expensive (short lived) replica shirts stretched over their bulging waistlines? Let’s face it - they look awful. Hello! This might come as a shock to you mate, but in fact you are not Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney so why the phuck have you got ‘his’ name on ‘your’ shirt dumbass?

I must admit, the light only dawned on me a few years ago. Up to then I always bought my teams new kit every year (Arsenal of course), usually both the home and away kit at £40 a piece, only to put them in the back of the cupboard and buy the next kit(s) 12 months later. Sheer madness really. Then I realised that actually I don’t look good in bright red and white or fluorescent yellow with an extremely large advertising logo on the front!

Now I look back and reflect - what the hell was I thinking of? After all, although I passionately support my team, I realise that I am not good enough to play in the real team, I am in my mid forties, generally unfit and my name is not ‘Thierry Henry’. Why then do mature blokes wear replica shirts with the name of their favourite player on the back? It’s really pathetic and quite sad if you think about it. It’s the sort of thing that junior school-boys do in pretending to be their favourite player in the playground. The astounding thing is that you have to pay extra to have their name and number on the back too. Quite a bit extra as it happens – just how stupid do you have to be?

It’s OK for young kids to wear a shirt with a name of their hero on the back, but once you hit puberty there isn’t really much excuse. In fact these days if I see a bloke wearing a replica with a players name on the back I feel nothing but contempt that he can be so juvenile.

Nowadays there is just no excuse. All the top clubs have an incredible range of fashion clothing in sensible colours, fittings and styles. So instead of wearing an ‘in your face’ unappealing bright replica shirt, why not wear a fashionable understated polo shirt or sweatshirt in a reasonable colour with the clubs logo discreetly but proudly displayed. In this case you support the club you love, look trendy and don’t have to throw the thing away at the end of the season. Not too difficult really eh?

In addition it has just occurred to me that if you are a professional player on the pitch in a ‘real’ game trying to pick out a team mate in a crucial match, then absolutely the last thing you want is banks of people in the crowd wearing exactly the same shirt as the team-mate you are trying to pass to! So you see you are actually hindering the team you support by wearing these brainless replicas, on top of the fact that you look a plonker. Come on guys, wake up and get a life! I know you love your team, but how about a bit of common sense?

Enough said, you know I’m right.

Coming Soon...

Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues