Guest Blog - from the Dad of Miserable Old Bastard
I hate kids. They are all simply a pain in the arse. From the age of one to twenty one they are all an enormous ache in the backside.
They are noisy, smelly, bloody irritating and utterly useless. The only pleasure they give you is the bit of fun nine months before they are born.
Babies are probably the least revolting as at least they sleep a lot. Toddlers are definitely the worst – whining, whinging, shouting, running around and generally being little shits. I hate their parents too. Giving in to little Darren’s every demand for attention with - “Do you want another sweetie my angel?”,“Be a nice little boy and stop annoying that man”, “What would my little darling like for his tea?” etc. etc. Just do us all a favour and shove little Darren under a bus.
When I was a kid we only spoke when we were spoken to, we had to wait outside the pub whilst Mum and Dad were inside getting pissed (that’s outside on the pavement not in the comfort of a bloody car), with a packet of crisps and a lemonade to last us an hour or so. We were brought up to respect our elders who, after all, were keeping us, teaching us and were entitled to a bit of peace and quiet after working hard all day. At Christmas we were lucky to get two presents from Mum and Dad and at meal times our elders had first choice of food, were served first and had priority on what was watched on TV. If we made a noise we were sent to bed and if we didn’t play properly we would be banished to our room.
Alas now it’s a kids world. I blame them for all the emotional and financial misery in the Western world. It might be possible to live with an ugly nagging wife, but with a screaming git of a kid in the house as well, its no wonder that blokes leave home. How can the modern parent afford kids for Gods sake? Their clothes cost more than your own, their food costs more than your own, they demand school outings, holidays, birthday parties, days out and heaven knows what else. Why should the little shits get everything their own way? You can’t smack them, you’re not supposed to shout at them, you must talk to them as equals as they have equal rights of course. What a load of bollocks!
Now you can’t even find an escape from their incessant noise anywhere. Friday and Saturday nights used to be a good night out down the pub. Not these days though – all you get are teenagers effing and blinding all night and looking for a fight. Weekend lunchtimes are now also a no-no. Pubs are full of horrible little toddlers with their parents - eating, shouting, crying, running about and generally driving us all out of the pub.
As for public transport, well I despair! Whether its on a bus, a train or (heaven forbid) a long plane flight, little Kylie or little Justin are non-stop balling and shouting the odds, making it impossible for the rest of us to read, talk or even think!
The answer is of course for all kids and their parents to be sent to live on another island somewhere till they are 21. A bit like Centre Parks, Butlins or a Pontins family holiday camp, only with military style discipline to knock them into shape.
That would suit me nicely!
Coming Soon…
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours
Teenagers
Boom Boxes in Cars
