Lager Drinkers

Scum of the earth clearly.

What would you rather drink?

A fresh, living, dynamic, natural ale that has been part of our country’s heritage for centuries. A pint made from the finest barley, hops and yeast, fermented naturally, cask conditioned and served fresh from the barrel by traditional hand pump into an eager glass.

Or/

Some sterile, chilled, unnatural fizzy piss with added essence of alcohol added for effect. Delivered from a chiller unit, under nitrogen gas pressure, tasteless, chemical laden, bland, dead, lifeless and with a shelf life of many months.

Absolutely astonishing!

Yet, go into any pub in the UK and you will see hoards of self deluded, ignorant twats, swigging back the hideous lager by the barrel load!

The brewery companies aren’t stupid – they would love it if everyone drank sterile, keg lager, because there is absolutely no wastage and it can’t go off.

Real ale however has to be carefully looked after and allowed to settle. It must be consumed within a week or so of spiking the barrel, and there can be a lot of wastage to get it tasting just right. So what do they do?– They brainwash the public (mainly the young thick impressionable males) using expensive flashy advertising to make them want to drink their vile fizzy urine instead.

Real ale is full of variety – every brewery has it’s own recipe and brewing process and there are a multitude of subtle tastes and strengths to keep you forever interested in the next pint.

However this is all lost on the current thick arseholes who insist on drinking cold gassed-up lager and is very likely to be lost forever if present trends continue.

Real Ale is very much a British phenomenon, and it is practically impossible to find a pint of it brewed outside these fair islands. We should all be proud and celebrate it, not drink overpriced, gassed up yellow mouthwash.

I’m sure the breweries could save even more money if they simply took the piss straight form the pub urinals, through a filter, quickly chill it, pump it with lots of gas, chill some more, add neat alcohol, add some chemicals and send it straight back to the pump in the bar. I defy any stupid lager drinker to tell the difference.

That would really bring new meaning to the expression – “taking the piss.”

Coming Soon…

People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers

Talkative Neighbours

Teenagers

Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats

Okay, where the hell do we start with these demented morons?

As we know, ALL of religion is total bollocks.

Being religious does not give you the moral phucking high ground about anything at all. You can be an devout atheist and still have a great sense of purpose, know the difference between right and wrong and do good in the world. You don’t have to be religious to do any of that.

Religion, whatever its flavour, has an awful lot to answer for. Practically every war on this planet have been as a direct consequence of religious beliefs. Generations upon generations of human suffering, murder , torture and incredibly evil deeds have all been done (and are continuing) in the name of some religion or another. Persecution for believing, persecution for not believing – what a downright farce. All this combined misery and suffering in the name of what?

In addition to this terrible suffering it has severely restricted progress in the sciences and medicine. Effectively heaping the misery on even more.

I really can’t believe that in this enlightened age there can possibly be any room for religious beliefs, bar for historical purposes.

Surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that thinks religion is pointless, stupid, self indulgent nonsense.

Now let me tell you something Mr Religious person, there is no phucking ‘heaven’, no bloke with a long white beard sitting on a cloud with angels playing harps looking down at you making notes of your good and bad deeds! If you believe that you have a rather inflated opinion of yourself, thinking that the Great Creator gives a phuck about you. It's quite astonishing that people even entertain such stupid ideas.

OK, so if you really want to believe in any religious nonsense, I suppose it’s your right to do so, even if it is bollocks, so long as it is kept quiet and doesn’t affect anybody else. But please, whatever you do, don’t start preaching to me about it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses go around in pairs knocking on peoples doors at the weekend, trying to convince them that the end of the world is not too far away! Great –well thanks for that mate. Might as well go out and commit some crimes and rape and pillage my way around for a bit if that’s the case!

These people have got to be stark raving lunatics! For a start they believe the most bizarre nonsense. The earth is only a few thousand years old, despite it being scientifically proven that it is about 4.5 billion years old. They believe Armageddon is only a few short years away and we must all redeem ourselves. They believe in Jesus but don’t celebrate his birth or indeed even their own and they’d rather watch their loved ones die than sign a form consenting to a blood transfusion. A more clearer case of severe cerebral disorder there cannot be!

When I look at somebody who is religious, or even goes to church I genuinely look at them in the same way as I do someone who is mentally ill. Actually I would go as far to say that they are!

So the next time a JW comes knocking at your door, don’t hide behind the curtains, open the door and tell them what you really think of them. Better still get yourself a really heavy bible and smash them over the head with it – see, it has got a use after all.

Coming Soon…

Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours

Unsolicited Phone Calls

I am truly amazed that in these enlightened days, and with such an amazing choice of advertising media available , fast communications, interactive TV, the internet, etc that some firms still employ the old cold telephone call technique to sell their shoddy wares!

After all, who in their right mind is going to re-mortgage their house or change their insurance company just because some stranger has disturbed them as they were eating their dinner or having a leisurely crap? It really does beggar belief!

I just don’t get it.

How can this sales technique possibly work? Perhaps the only people who would fall for this type of nonsense are the weak, vulnerable or elderly – if this is the case then it is truly shameful and the firms should be outlawed.

To me, when the phone rings in my house I expect it to be from somebody I bloody well know – not some arsehole with a prepared script from India, Ireland or wherever. I take great offence to these calls and tell them straight, no nonsense. I suggest you all do the same. It is not just a flaming nuisance, but a real invasion of privacy.

I know people have different techniques for dealing with these nuisance calls. From saying they are not in, to leaving the phone off the hook for 20 minutes, to not answering the phone and dialling 1471 to see who it was straight after, to saying ring back later, to politely and firmly saying they will think about it. However there is a much easier and satisfying technique that I use myself…

Ring, ring, ring

“Hello”

Long pause – click – pause

“Hello is that Mr Miserable Old B’stad”

Reluctantly, “Yes” (Just in case it is important – you never know)

“And are you the homeowner?”

“FUCK OFF!!!”

Simple really. If everybody did the same, they would all stop doing this sort of thing within a fortnight.

Another problem sorted!

Coming Soon...

Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers

BBC Local Radio

What a load of crap!

The BBC is a vast corporation, overstaffed, over-funded, over-rated and not in the real world at all. Of course being the BBC it doesn’t have to be as we are forced by law to own a shitty TV licence at over £130 a year, even if we don’t watch their crappy programmes or listen to their twee radio stations. What a scam! It doesn’t have to compete with commercial TV, trim it’s budgets and learn to survive or fail depending on its performance like the rest of us in the real world.

Why the hell the BBC is involved with local radio in every frigging county in Britain is beyond me! How much must it cost to secure premises in 3 or 4 towns within each county, each with an office, staff, research budget and twats to host the programmes? In just one county it must cost a pretty packet – imagine the cost of doing this in every county in the UK? There are 40 BBC local radio stations in England alone - what a phucking fortune it must cost to run and what a shameful and shocking waste of public money.

Sod off BBC local radio – leave local radio to the commercials. They actually know what they are doing – they have to, otherwise they don’t survive – unlike you parasites!

I defy anyone to listen to BBC local radio for more than an hour without wanting to shoot themselves. It’s just crap – interviews with old local residents, pathetic phone ins, themes quizzes, programme hosts that are so useless and condescending that you just want to strangle them. God it’s awful!

If I have to listen to the BBC I want to hear important news about national and global events. Not about the cancellation of the Chipping Ongar’s Cub Scout's Jumble Sale at the Village Hall., or Mrs Higgins lost cat!

Simply outrageous.

Coming soon...

Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema