People Who Put Up Christmas Decorations in November!

Unscheduled blog - but it's got to be said!

Stupid premature bastards!

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas. Actually that’s a lie, as a kid I absolutely loved it, and now with my own kids I don’t mind it. Well to be honest I put up with it. As the years go by, it gets more and more of a struggle to get enthusiastic about it.

However, what I do remember was that there was never any evidence of Christmas until December , usually not until the second week or so – not phucking November or October for crying out loud!

What the sodding hell is going on? Nowadays, the summer draws to a close, you’ve just put the barbeque back in the garage, given the lawn a final cut, and rolled the hosepipe up, and before you can have a wank, there are Christmas decorations in the shops and all the stupid festive paraphernalia that goes with it! Arrrggghh!

What about the traditional office party? Nowadays most are held ridiculously early, sometimes in November! How the hell can you get into the festive spirit then? The whole point of the 'Christmas Office Do' is to let your hair down a bit! It was customarily held the Saturday before Christmas so the staff and management could forget their inhibitions and have a really great time. Being so close to Christmas, work was usually slack and staff would generally be getting into the festive spirit with no fear of reprisal. After all, everyone would get drunk, have a good time and with the Christmas and New Years holidays coming up nobody would remember what happened so long ago. When everyone returned sober and refreshed behind their desks in January, nobody would remember a thing!

So tell me, how the hell are you supposed to shag your secretary, insult the boss, grope Mrs Higgins' tits from accounts and then fall face down in your own pile of vomit if you have to be up for an important meeting bright and early the next morning in November?

OK – so we can blame the companies. Fair enough, but they are in business and if they can save money and careers by having the Xmas party early it’s understandable, if unpleasant. We can blame the shops for their stupidly in starting Christmas early – but that too is understandable, as they want to make extra profits.

HOWEVER, THE STUPID INDIVIDUALS WHO PUT UP THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IN NOVEMBER ARE CLEARLY TWATS OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!

I rack my brains and try to think of what possible explanation there could be for such stupid and bizarre behaviour! These people are mentally ill!

My guess is that these brain dead morons are so pathetic and insecure that they just want to be liked. So they buy the most expensive outside Christmas decorations they can afford. Stupid phucking snowmen glowing brightly, neon flashing Santas, elves, Rudolphs, hundreds of flashing icicles hanging from the guttering and lots of dazzling lights on the tree outside. What a load of bollocks! These idiots can’t even see the phucking things they’ve decided to put up – it’s all for the 'benefit' of passers by! Well thank you so much! They are indoors, probably peeking through the curtains, hoping to see the faces of passers by as they stare dumbfoundedly at the flashing monstrosity they have created on their house!

Now come on boys – hire that flamethrower or chain saw, grab that pick axe or baseball bat. Walk around town and take all this shit out! We should not have to put up with such hideous decorations on our streets. Pull down those odious twinkling lights, rip down those blinking neon candles, smash those cute snowman into pulp and cave smiling Santa’s phucking head in!

Enough is enough!

Coming soon...

Blokes That Don't Drink
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Religious Twats

Smokers are 'as thick as shit'

I’m sorry, but there can be no denying it – people who smoke are just plain stupid! Thick as shit –and what’s more - they know it too! I’ve never met a smoker who hasn’t wanted to give up, tried to give up or isn't about to give up soon! They know that smoking is probably the most unintelligent, self indulgent, mind-numbingly stupid thing that any human can do. Yet they still do it!

It has been common knowledge for over a generation that smoking kills. It kills horribly, usually in a slow and painful way, a pitiful death. But just in case they haven’t noticed or lived in a cave all these years …it is plainly written in BIG BLOCK LETTERING on the front of every freaking packet. ‘SMOKING KILLS’. How clear does it have to be for Christ’s sake? It’s really quite astonishing if you think about it!

Sure, tobacco has an addictive quality, no doubt. I’m sure it’s very hard to give up. It takes quite a bit of effort and determination to quit. BUT HELLO!! This stuff is phucking killing you for Gods sake! You will die a horrible death, your lungs will fill with grotesque tar, your body will be riddled with cancer, your loved ones will slowly watch you die an agonising death. How much of an incentive do you actually need? It is amazing what people will do not to admit to what they are doing!

So why did they start smoking in the first place? To look cool? Does having a stupid fag hanging out their mouth and their breath stinking of rancid fumes make them trendy? I think not!

It’s possible to understand why the older generation smoke. In those days there simply was not the information available to let them know how really bad it was. That together with lots of advertising (now banned) and historical reasons (everyone smoked) it's really not surprising that they became hooked.

There is however ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER for the modern youngster to smoke. Unless they are blind, deaf or severely brain damaged there is simply no reason to smoke. Everyone knows it kills. It really makes me sad and angry to see young attractive people with their whole lives ahead of them smoking. They are truly the thickest people who ever drew breath.

What about the cost of smoking? At over £5.00 a packet, a pack a day amounts to over £150.00 a month. Ok it’s not a mortgage payment but it soon adds up. The cost alone should be enough to put people off, but sadly not. Yeah, and you make my clothes stink too, you selfish bastards. Keep your foul stinking, pollutants to yourself. I drink beer, but I don’t piss it out all over you do I?

Have you ever been walking outside a new office building during the day and seen the sad pathetic smokers forced to smoke outside in the freezing cold? Shivering in the wind and vainly attempting to shield their match to light their fags, whist leaving their co-workers to cover their work load so they can get a quick puff-and-a-drag. It has got to be one of the most sad and demeaning sights ever to behold. Surely they must realise then how stupid their habit really is.

I normally wind up my blogs, with an attempt at a witty way to kill off the perpetrators. Sadly I do not have to do it this time, They are taking care of that themselves more than adequately thank you very much.

Actually this blog has really pissed me off. I usually thoroughly enjoy putting the world in order on a Monday but this time it has just made me depressed and fed up. Might as well go and top myself – or maybe I’ll go and light up instead.

Coming soon...

Blokes That Don't Drink
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers

People Who Wash Their Cars

Right then – people who wash their cars – what total twats!

Technology is a truly wonderful thing. It has given us so many wonderful things… sliced bread, satellite TV, Off Licences, computers, kebab shops, MP3 players, the internet, air travel, Carlsberg lager, the Space Shuttle, wank mags and so many other incredible and amazing things. Inventions that make our life so much easier. Labour saving devices, luxuries and a whole multitude of brilliant things that you can’t begin to name then. Ok then, so please answer me this simple question : Why the hell do people go outside and wash their cars when there is a perfectly good car wash just down the road?!

I mean you don’t rub two bits of wood together to make a fire - you use an invention called a match. You don’t walk 5 miles to the nearest pub, you call a cab, and you don’t try to cook a curry when there is an Indian takeaway just around the corner! It’s not really that hard. Why then, do these muppits spend an hour or so carefully washing and waxing their precious car when there is a perfectly good car wash a few miles away? Or better still one of those hand car washes where you sit inside feeling superior as the local spotty teenage delinquents wax, clean and polish the car for you.

Clearly one cannot wash cars on a Sunday morning – that is so mind bogglingly cliché that you might as well go the whole hog and have artificial butterflies stuck to the side of the house and gnomes in the garden. I bet these tossers, out with a cheery smile on a Sunday morning, carefully scrubbing their hub caps are the sort of bloke who will be seen later on down the local public house for a typical Sunday lunchtime amateur hour. Sunday lunchtime drinking is for people who don’t drink, but think they should! It comes as no surprise that these people choose to wash their cars on the Sabbath.

Cars are a mode of transport – period! So long as you can see clearly out of the windows in all directions it is clean enough! When it gets too dirty, then take it to the phucking car wash moron! Don’t clean the stupid thing by hand (especially on a Sunday) Get a life , you sad pathetic wanker. Give the bucket and sponge to the kids so they can wash it or else celebrate your cars dirtiness in all its glory. You are a long time dead, so don’t waste your pathetic life attempting to remove dirt from the deepest recesses of your stupid car that nobody but you gives a shit about. Now come on, get a grip man!

Coming Soon...

Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited phone calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses

Women Golfers

How in Gods name did it come to this? How the hell were women allowed near a golf course? Who is responsible for this debacle? It is sickening beyond belief! And wrong, so very wrong. The closest any woman should get to a golf course is serving the ham, egg and chips at the local men only Monthly Golf Society. Then, if she is clever, she can dash home and sort the tea out for her old man before he gives her a good slapping.

For starters women’s bodies are just not designed for golf – they have fat wobbly bits that get in the way, their legs are too wide at the thighs, they are feeble and they have no coordination. Have you ever seen a girl trying to throw a ball? It’s laughable, they simply cannot play sport at all. They are however perfectly formed for such things as cooking, cleaning, dusting and numerous other useful household duties.

As any male golfer will tell you, getting stuck behind a ladies four-ball is the ultimate disaster. A pain so immense, so mind-bogglingly awful that no man should ever have to endure it. Yet they do – frequently!

Look, it’s quite simple, women can’t play golf. They are crap, useless, hopeless – a small boy in nappies can play better than all of them. If they manage to hit the ball at all it never gets more than 2 feet in the air nor goes further than 20 yards. They ‘bunnie-hop’ in the general direction of the green and it takes a dozen shots or more to get there! They cannot play the game – fact – it’s an utter disgrace to mankind that they are allowed to attempt do so.

Always in four-balls of course, so they can natter, generally 45-60 plus with grey hair, hideous fat backsides, and with their motorised trolleys. I mean who ever allowed these repulsive old dogs on the course!

Even the simplest and shortest golf course is evidently far too hard for the woman golfer. They are simply not good enough. It’s just not right and proper that they should be allowed on the course. After all, men wouldn’t be seen attempting to play netball or enter knitting contests, so why don’t they show some respect and sod off!?

If they must play (which clearly they must not) then we should insist they play on their own purpose-built dedicated Ladies Only Courses. These should consist of half a dozen short holes of 100 yards in a small loop enclosing a complex where they can stop, sit down, have a chat, perhaps do some washing and ironing, knit, sew, hold coffee mornings, talk utter bollocks and generally stay out of the way of real golfers!

And now we come to ‘The Ultimate Sin’ – playing golf with your wife! What the phuck is wrong with these morons? I mean, come on fella, are you out of your tiny mind? Surely the whole point in playing golf is that it gets you away from the bitch indoors for a few sacred hours. How stupid do you have to be to play golf with her? Absolutely unforgivable.

Clearly any man found guilty of this heinous crime should be strangled to death by wrapping his driver around his neck and then strung up to a nearby tree to rot. A suitably labelled sign displayed nearby can then act as a warning to any man who harbours such similar stupid ideas. Then we might have a chance!

Coming soon...

People Who Wash Their Cars
Smokers are 'as thick as shit'
Blokes That Don't Drink
Woman Are Hideous (Part 2)
Poofs and Dykes
Taxi Drivers
Committee Members
Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Lowlife
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio