Women Golfers

How in Gods name did it come to this? How the hell were women allowed near a golf course? Who is responsible for this debacle? It is sickening beyond belief! And wrong, so very wrong. The closest any woman should get to a golf course is serving the ham, egg and chips at the local men only Monthly Golf Society. Then, if she is clever, she can dash home and sort the tea out for her old man before he gives her a good slapping.

For starters women’s bodies are just not designed for golf – they have fat wobbly bits that get in the way, their legs are too wide at the thighs, they are feeble and they have no coordination. Have you ever seen a girl trying to throw a ball? It’s laughable, they simply cannot play sport at all. They are however perfectly formed for such things as cooking, cleaning, dusting and numerous other useful household duties.

As any male golfer will tell you, getting stuck behind a ladies four-ball is the ultimate disaster. A pain so immense, so mind-bogglingly awful that no man should ever have to endure it. Yet they do – frequently!

Look, it’s quite simple, women can’t play golf. They are crap, useless, hopeless – a small boy in nappies can play better than all of them. If they manage to hit the ball at all it never gets more than 2 feet in the air nor goes further than 20 yards. They ‘bunnie-hop’ in the general direction of the green and it takes a dozen shots or more to get there! They cannot play the game – fact – it’s an utter disgrace to mankind that they are allowed to attempt do so.

Always in four-balls of course, so they can natter, generally 45-60 plus with grey hair, hideous fat backsides, and with their motorised trolleys. I mean who ever allowed these repulsive old dogs on the course!

Even the simplest and shortest golf course is evidently far too hard for the woman golfer. They are simply not good enough. It’s just not right and proper that they should be allowed on the course. After all, men wouldn’t be seen attempting to play netball or enter knitting contests, so why don’t they show some respect and sod off!?

If they must play (which clearly they must not) then we should insist they play on their own purpose-built dedicated Ladies Only Courses. These should consist of half a dozen short holes of 100 yards in a small loop enclosing a complex where they can stop, sit down, have a chat, perhaps do some washing and ironing, knit, sew, hold coffee mornings, talk utter bollocks and generally stay out of the way of real golfers!

And now we come to ‘The Ultimate Sin’ – playing golf with your wife! What the phuck is wrong with these morons? I mean, come on fella, are you out of your tiny mind? Surely the whole point in playing golf is that it gets you away from the bitch indoors for a few sacred hours. How stupid do you have to be to play golf with her? Absolutely unforgivable.

Clearly any man found guilty of this heinous crime should be strangled to death by wrapping his driver around his neck and then strung up to a nearby tree to rot. A suitably labelled sign displayed nearby can then act as a warning to any man who harbours such similar stupid ideas. Then we might have a chance!

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