Mobile Phones on Trains

There can not be many things in life worse than sitting next to a person on a train who is on his mobile phone talking to a friend. It is a truly appalling experience that no person should have to endure. I am deadly serious here – it should be against the law. In fact any normal person with morals or an understanding of social etiquette would not use his mobile on a train or indeed anywhere where others might be in earshot and unable to easily move away. It is rude, uncomfortable, offensive, annoying and is PHUCKING WELL OUT OF ORDER!

When I get on a train the first thing I do (apart from eyeing up the best looking bird) is to turn off my mobile telephone. I don’t want the inconvenience or embarrassment of somebody ringing me when I am in an enclosed space where others would have no choice but to listen to my one-sided conversation. It would be embarrassing for me and them so I turn it off for the sake of my fellow passengers. I must be unique however as everyone else on the planet it seems are selfish, ignorant and downright rude when it comes to mobile phone use. I am fuming about it! Okay there might occasionally be a real need to make contact with someone when on a train, if so then apologise to those around you, speak quietly using your hand to muffle the sound and keep it short and snappy. Tell them you will call back later for Gods sake!

Don’t get me wrong, mobile phones are a great invention and I would not be without one. They can be a godsend and even save lives. They are of great practical use and it’s hard to imagine how we ever survived without them 20 years ago. The problem is of course – the people who use them.

Look dear, I don’t want to hear what you did last night, what you thought of Big Brother, which blokes you are shagging, how you are getting on at work and when your next period is due – just shut the phuck up bitch!

Last time I was on a train, a person just behind me was on his mobile for the whole of the journey. It was truly awful and by the time I got off the train I knew everything there was to know about this bloke. I knew more about him than his own mother – but I didn’t phucking want to know anything about him. I just wanted him die horribly. People around the carriage didn’t know where to look, they shook their heads in disbelief or bowed them in his shame and were literally cringing with embarrassment. Yet this twat went on spouting out his life story to the rest of us. How can people be like that? How can they sit there with people on all sides of them and continue to talk utter bollocks and not feel humiliated? These people really are the scum of the Earth.

There should be a code of practice for mobile phone use. A bit like the Highway Code for road users. A written and physical test should then be taken and only if you pass would you be allowed to own and use a mobile. This sort of thing would not be necessary of course if people were courteous to their fellow man and not so HIDEOUSLY PHUCKING RUDE, IGNORANT AND THICK!! , but alas it seems most mobile users are.

Phuck ‘em.

Coming Soon...

Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts

What a bunch of boring, tedious cretins! Who in their right mind would want to get up at the crack of dawn, load up their car boot with worthless tatt and spend the best part of the weekend in a muddy field haggling over the price of a used Tupperware container? Prize twats!

Okay, so I admit that I have taken part in a car boot sale (CBS) myself – ONCE! Only the once, and never ever again! As a total one off, in an attempt to clear all the crap from the house in one go, if you are moving house for example, it might (dare I say it) be almost sensible - but can you believe that some people actually go to car boot sales on a regular basis? Unbelievable!

However it gets even worse! As I understand it (now don’t laugh) but some people go to car boot sales to ‘buy’ stuff and not sell! Incredible – they voluntarily get up early on a Sunday morning (when they should be sleeping off a hangover, or at the very least shagging the missus) and then incredibly and devastatingly they ‘choose’ to go bargain hunting at the local CBS! A more clearer definition of mindless brain-dead morons there can never be.

Imagine the hell of fumbling around in the back of a dirty R reg Volvo, sorting through the useless crap that even these pathetic individuals don’t want. Must be some great stuff eh? It's nothing short of shocking –insanity – pure and simple.

Now excuse me if I am missing something here, but if you want to sell second hand goods then sell them on ebay for phucks sake! Then instead of a few sad people looking at your shit on a wet weekend, you can offer it to a global audience of literally millions of potential customers, plus of course you can stay in bed. How hard it that?

I’ll tell you why car boot sellers don’t use ebay, it’s because they are so phucking pig ignorant and mind blowingly thick that they don’t have the intelligence to turn on a computer and follow a few simple instructions! Stupid dumb phuckers, hope next time they catch pneumonia exhibiting their wares in the rain and all bloody well die off! Then next time I’m out driving on a Sunday morning I won’t be caught in a phucking traffic queue where all these sad pratts are turning right into a muddy field to sell their worthless cack. Good luck.

Coming soon...

Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’

Caravanners

My god, what a bunch of tossers.

Who in their right mind would own a caravan? What possesses somebody to shell out thousands of pounds for a prison cell on wheels, hitch it to the back of the car and drive around towing it until they find a nice muddy field to park it in and then spend the weekend there? Horrendously stupid. What are they? Reincarnated snails or something?

You can always tell when it’s near a bank holiday because all the major roads are full of these sad pathetic wankers pulling along their prized tin-can home at a steady 20mph and phucking up road conditions big time for the rest of us normal people. Now as a matter of routine I always give the caravan owner the finger whenever I manage to overtake them on the road and shout ‘Tosser!’ as loud as I can out of the passenger window. It’s a sort of duty – I’m sure you do the same.

Why are caravans always white? What law says they have to be? I’m not talking about the ‘fixed site’ caravan that can sometimes be a sort of ugly yellow but every caravan I’ve ever seen on the road has been white – not important actually or even mildly interesting. I don't even know why I mentioned it, but perhaps it indicates the total lack of innovation and foresight of the producers and users of caravans and sums them up perfectly.

There is a stretch of dual carriageway with a slip road that rises to meet it near where I live in Colchester and as you join the carriageway and look left you can see a very busy caravan site practically under the major carriageway with the slip road towering above it. The caravans are crammed in this small grassy area not more than a few feet apart! No, it's not a Gypsy site either but genuinely used by caravan 'enthusiasts'. Absolutely amazing that people would ever want to go there. Rather than stay at home with all the normal comforts, they choose to take their caravan and slum it in a tin box for a week, with continual deafening road noise, breathing in petrol fumes and staring at the concrete of the underside of the overpass, graffiti and litter! I must take the effort one of these days to pop down to this site and interview some of the caravan owners to ask them what they think they are phucking well doing!

What do caravanners actually do when they arrive happily smiling on site? I’ll tell you what. Exactly the same as they would do if they were at home, only much, much more uncomfortably! How ridiculous.

Save up for a proper holiday you muppits! Don’t waste your time in a cramped up mobile dolls house and pretend that you are enjoying it, I can guarantee it that you are not!

I think the army should be allowed to use caravans as free target practice for their tanks, bazookas and heavy artillery. That would be great, the army can improve their shooting skills and we can all be rid of these hideous white monstrosities. Never mind if the owners are inside or not, we would be doing them a favour really in ending their dull and pointless existence.

Sorted.

Coming soon…

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’

Dog Owners

It is quite obvious to me that anyone who owns a dog is mentally insane, disgustingly unhygienic and a scourge on society. If it wasn’t that dogs are (for some bizarre reason) an accepted part of modern society then I am sure most people would run a mile from these flea-ridden ratbags.

Man’s best friend – my phucking arse! Just look at the facts…

Dogs stink, lick their own bollocks and arsehole, shit disgustingly on the pavement, have fleas, dribble slimy disease ridden saliva over anyone who comes into contact with them, jump up and ruin clothes with mud and shit coated paws, bark incessantly at nothing, ruin carpets and furniture, cost a fortune to feed and maintain and even kill and maim kids!

What person in their right mind would entertain the idea of having one of these hideous monstrosities as a pet? Phucking brain dead morons – nothing less!

I could and perhaps should end my blog here as there can be absolutely no disagreement against any of these points, but just in case you are thicker than the phucking thickest thing that ever existed I’ll take them one by one and ram them up your sad arse! Right then…

Dogs stink – No arguments here – they phucking well stink. Not just their repulsive bad breath but their smelly arse and mingey coat! It’s not the dogs fault I know, if I never brushed my teeth or wiped my arse, I would stink like phuck too! Dogs also have the incredible ability to find things that actually stink more than they do (like a dead animal) and take great pleasure in rolling in it till they stink just as bad. Lovely pets eh?

Dogs lick their own bollocks and shit stained arsehole –Yes they do and how vile is that? No wonder their breath smells so bad! Yet most dog owners kiss their dogs and let them lick their faces and think it’s cute! Horrific. Most even let these filthy animals lick their dinner plates ‘clean’ after eating. Mind bogglingly disgusting filth!

Dogs shit – This is the worst of the lot! Yes I know we all shit – but dog owners are dirty and nauseating and let them crap on the streets, paths and public footpaths! Yeah I know that they sometimes take a token supermarket bag or nappy sack to ‘supposedly’ pick up the shit if it is done in full view of anyone, but we all know they would leave it where it was dumped if at all possible. This is totally unforgivable and if I ever catch a dog owner leaving a pile of stinking shit for others to tread in I will make them eat it I swear! It really is disgusting and simply not acceptable.

I live near a Primary School and not a week goes past without a big pile of dog shit being left in the middle of the path on the way to it. Little children running and playing on their way to school, only to tread in a steaming pile of dogs shit that some unscrupulous owner has left for them. This is an offence that should carry imprisonment.

We know that dog owners, forced to take their scruffy flee ridden pets out for their early evening walk would just love to leave the pile of crap where it is. A guilty look around, and if nobody is looking, just leave the turd where it lays and PHUCK everyone else. How they must love the long winter evenings when they can let their dog shit and crap under the cover of darkness. Bastards!

Even if the owner has been seen and feels obliged to pick the shit up– who in their right mind would want to do such a thing? Using a plastic bag as a glove to happily pick up a smelly disease ridden stinking dogs turd! Anyone who does that is clearly mentally insane. So why have a phucking dog in the first place you retard? I bet your back garden is host to several dozen shit sculptures, perfect for the children to play in. God, words fail me in my utter contempt and disgust at people who have dogs. They really must be as thick as the shit they pretend to clean up! And another thing when your vile pet has the runs how the hell do you clean that up?. Scoop it up with a spoon? Filthy disgusting vile perverted foul grotesque people! Gah!

I used to like to take country walks – but everywhere I sodding go there are dog owners. I cannot look around and admire the beautiful English countryside, the majestic trees, the fantastic scenery, the sky, the wildlife– I literally have to spend my whole phucking time looking down at the ground in case I treading in dog shit! Really it is too much.

Dogs have fleas – Yep, they all get them at some stage, plus other repulsive things. Yet most owners let them climb on the sofa, cuddle them and let them sleep on their beds. Revolting!

Dogs dribble – Hideous slimy thick saliva stinking of bad breath, dog shit and whatever they’ve eaten. It slops down on your shoes, on your clothes and on the carpet. Absolutely disgusting filth!

Dogs jump up at you – Well they don’t at me ‘cause I kick the phuckers before they get a chance to get their mud, shit coated paws anywhere near me. Others are not so lucky and get their clothes ruined by some stupid mutt that jumps up and runs their dirty paws down them. “He’s only trying to be friendly” they say – yeah right, perhaps I can get friendly with my Glock.

Dogs bark – Dogs are phucking thick as shit and bark at anything. Stupid rabid mongrels. I phucking hate them and the noise they make. Who wants to be woken up early on a Sunday morning by some stupid phucking dog that decides it wants to ball and scream the odds? Words fail me why anyone would want to own such a stupid animal.

Dogs ruin things – They chew things up, ruin furniture, piss and crap on carpets, scratch things and make everything smelly and covered in hairs. Very nice – I wish I had a dog! (I am so angry I can hardly contain my contempt and revulsion at dog owners)

Dogs cost a lot to feed and maintain – As if the above points weren’t enough for all dog owners to immediately shoot or strangle their canine companions it occurred to me that these animals must cost good money to feed. I have no interest in finding out how much a can of dog food costs or how much the mixer biscuits are, but I assume they are not cheap. Yet amazingly and pathetically dog owners will lay out this money to keep these foul beasts! Yet more – these animals need health care, vet bills, and some even pay for insurance. It is truly breathtaking that people do this, it really is.

Dogs can maim and kill - Of course their dog won’t, it's just so lovable. It’s always somebody else’s dog that does that sort of thing. Yes it’s a rare occurrence I grant you, but what sane person would take the risk, however small. Dogs are animals, pure and simple and are consequently unpredictable. Most have powerful jaws with pointed teeth that can maim or kill children and babies. It astonishes me that people take this risk however nice their pet seems to be most of the time. How a grown adult can let their little toddler play near a dog is quite frightening and the owners should be locked up for negligence! The risk maybe small, probably miniscule but how can they possibly take the risk? They are gambling with their childs life! It’s really is truly awesome in its stupidness and utter selfishness! A dog however docile can attack at any time and there are countless examples of this. Really this it so irresponsible that I am quite overcome with rage and contempt. Owners that allow this should have their children taken into care and be locked up – they are stupefying thick, as thick as arseholes!

As you can probably gather from this blog – I don’t care much for dogs, nor their owners! After reading this it must surely be impossible to disagree. How can anybody put up a sane and sensible argument against what I have written? What is mind blowing is that most dog owners don’t realise what they are doing, or why they have one. My god, some owners even have several dogs – can you imagine that? My brain cannot comprehend the unpleasantness.

Dog ownership must stop now! All male dogs should be castrated, breeders closed down and preferably all dogs put down humanely. At the very least let them die out completely, so after 12-15 years none of these disgusting creatures will be around.

What bliss!

Good dog, good boy! – In my opinion the only good dog is a phucking dead one .

Good luck.

Coming soon…

Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality’ TV

Committee Members

Members of a Committee must surely be some of the dullest, boring and pointless people on planet Earth. They clearly have a rather inflated opinion of themselves and are actually proud to sit on the committee! They no doubt think that they are the pillars of our society, doing good work for the benefit of their fellow members making crucial decisions and play a vital role in the development of their organisation. We on the other hand know that they are just a bunch of trumped-up, self-important tediously boring tosspots that are of absolutely no use to the human race whatsoever.

Anyone who voluntary agrees to sit on a committee about anything is a total wanker.

I really struggle to think of the reasons why they would want to do such a task. Is it that they like the sound of their own voice, or that it makes them feel important, or their lives are so pathetic and devoid of meaning they will fill it with absolutely anything so long as it takes their mind off their own pointless existence, or is it that they are just nosey bastards who want to know the inner workings of the club or whatever crap they are on the committee of?

What do committee members actually do for phucks sake? I know they usually give up their own time for evening meetings when they could be doing better things. Then they politely sit around a table with their stupid notebook and pens and read the pointless minutes from the last boring meeting. The most tiresome pompous twit of them all - the Chairman (or Chairperson nowadays for phucks sake) calls the meeting to order. Then his lap-dogs the Treasurer and Club Secretary get a chance to bore everyone shitless with their reports. Then everyone gets a chance to discuss the ins and outs of a ducks arsehole until eventually even these sub-human bores finally realise what a hopeless waste of time and precious life the meeting really is, they call to order and close the meeting until next month! Get a phucking life you sad pathetic losers for Gods sake!

I think there should be a new criteria for brain-stem death - it's when you serve on a committee.

Coming soon...

Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBc Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers