Caravanners

My god, what a bunch of tossers.

Who in their right mind would own a caravan? What possesses somebody to shell out thousands of pounds for a prison cell on wheels, hitch it to the back of the car and drive around towing it until they find a nice muddy field to park it in and then spend the weekend there? Horrendously stupid. What are they? Reincarnated snails or something?

You can always tell when it’s near a bank holiday because all the major roads are full of these sad pathetic wankers pulling along their prized tin-can home at a steady 20mph and phucking up road conditions big time for the rest of us normal people. Now as a matter of routine I always give the caravan owner the finger whenever I manage to overtake them on the road and shout ‘Tosser!’ as loud as I can out of the passenger window. It’s a sort of duty – I’m sure you do the same.

Why are caravans always white? What law says they have to be? I’m not talking about the ‘fixed site’ caravan that can sometimes be a sort of ugly yellow but every caravan I’ve ever seen on the road has been white – not important actually or even mildly interesting. I don't even know why I mentioned it, but perhaps it indicates the total lack of innovation and foresight of the producers and users of caravans and sums them up perfectly.

There is a stretch of dual carriageway with a slip road that rises to meet it near where I live in Colchester and as you join the carriageway and look left you can see a very busy caravan site practically under the major carriageway with the slip road towering above it. The caravans are crammed in this small grassy area not more than a few feet apart! No, it's not a Gypsy site either but genuinely used by caravan 'enthusiasts'. Absolutely amazing that people would ever want to go there. Rather than stay at home with all the normal comforts, they choose to take their caravan and slum it in a tin box for a week, with continual deafening road noise, breathing in petrol fumes and staring at the concrete of the underside of the overpass, graffiti and litter! I must take the effort one of these days to pop down to this site and interview some of the caravan owners to ask them what they think they are phucking well doing!

What do caravanners actually do when they arrive happily smiling on site? I’ll tell you what. Exactly the same as they would do if they were at home, only much, much more uncomfortably! How ridiculous.

Save up for a proper holiday you muppits! Don’t waste your time in a cramped up mobile dolls house and pretend that you are enjoying it, I can guarantee it that you are not!

I think the army should be allowed to use caravans as free target practice for their tanks, bazookas and heavy artillery. That would be great, the army can improve their shooting skills and we can all be rid of these hideous white monstrosities. Never mind if the owners are inside or not, we would be doing them a favour really in ending their dull and pointless existence.

Sorted.

Coming soon…

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’