Civil Servants

What a bunch of spongers!

With very few exceptions Civil Servants are parasitic nobodies.

They are financed by the ‘real’ tax payers of the country via general taxation, VAT and Council Tax. Without the entrepreneurs of this land and their faithful workers who generate the wealth the whole country would be bankrupt within a few weeks and the country would be on its knees.

‘Real’ workers design products, create them and make them. They are the busy bees in the hive, making things happen, creating products and services that people need and generally make the world go round. They live or die by their decisions and their performance. If they are not up to the job, they are sacked. If a company is not competitive it goes broke. That’s the way it is – and as it should be. Natural selection, in the Industrial World.

Civil servants on the other hand don’t live in the real world at all. They don’t have to do a good job, adapt to market conditions, improve their performance, increase productivity, nor take risks to make a living. They are paid regardless, have safe pensions and other benefits, enjoy a job for life with guaranteed salary increases,. Scandalous!

To get the sack in the Civil Service is almost unheard of and you have to be mind bogglingly bad to get it. In addition to their cosy little jobs they have the highest ‘sickness’ absenteeism of all workers. No pressure, no chance of the sack, guaranteed benefits – and yes they phone in sick regularly to take extra days off. Lazy skiving bastards, I hate them all!

Don’t these blood sucking vultures realise that they are living off the sweat and toil of the productive? If everyone worked for the government, the economy would be dead, there would be no prosperity, no goods, no innovation – society would collapse and the only choice would be communism.

These unproductive swines are paid by us. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves or at the very least exceedingly grateful and humble. They should bow down and lick our boots every time they see us walking down the road. They should buy us drinks, grovel to us and let us shag their wives and daughters. There are far too many of them, and they feed off the labour of the rest of us.

Yet it gets worse! In many cases it is the job of the Civil Servant (Tax Inspector, VAT Officer, Health & Safety Executive etc.) to poke their nose into the business of the wealth creators, cause them great hassle and make it much harder for them to make a profit and consequently pay the wages of the Civil Servant.

Bloody ridiculous!

You may also have noticed the grand names these parasites give themselves, ...Officers, Inspectors, Wardens etc – what a bunch of crap. I have my own names for them, which I think you can guess are not too pleasant.

Don’t forget that these people are meant to be our servants for God’s sake, NOT the other way round.

Come on people, wake up, it’s about time we let them know what we think of them!

Coming Soon…

Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours
Teenagers
Cars with Spoilers
People Who Play the Lottery

People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute

Guest Blog - from the Dad of Miserable Old Bastard

I hate kids. They are all simply a pain in the arse. From the age of one to twenty one they are all an enormous ache in the backside.

They are noisy, smelly, bloody irritating and utterly useless. The only pleasure they give you is the bit of fun nine months before they are born.

Babies are probably the least revolting as at least they sleep a lot. Toddlers are definitely the worst – whining, whinging, shouting, running around and generally being little shits. I hate their parents too. Giving in to little Darren’s every demand for attention with - “Do you want another sweetie my angel?”,“Be a nice little boy and stop annoying that man”, “What would my little darling like for his tea?” etc. etc. Just do us all a favour and shove little Darren under a bus.

When I was a kid we only spoke when we were spoken to, we had to wait outside the pub whilst Mum and Dad were inside getting pissed (that’s outside on the pavement not in the comfort of a bloody car), with a packet of crisps and a lemonade to last us an hour or so. We were brought up to respect our elders who, after all, were keeping us, teaching us and were entitled to a bit of peace and quiet after working hard all day. At Christmas we were lucky to get two presents from Mum and Dad and at meal times our elders had first choice of food, were served first and had priority on what was watched on TV. If we made a noise we were sent to bed and if we didn’t play properly we would be banished to our room.

Alas now it’s a kids world. I blame them for all the emotional and financial misery in the Western world. It might be possible to live with an ugly nagging wife, but with a screaming git of a kid in the house as well, its no wonder that blokes leave home. How can the modern parent afford kids for Gods sake? Their clothes cost more than your own, their food costs more than your own, they demand school outings, holidays, birthday parties, days out and heaven knows what else. Why should the little shits get everything their own way? You can’t smack them, you’re not supposed to shout at them, you must talk to them as equals as they have equal rights of course. What a load of bollocks!

Now you can’t even find an escape from their incessant noise anywhere. Friday and Saturday nights used to be a good night out down the pub. Not these days though – all you get are teenagers effing and blinding all night and looking for a fight. Weekend lunchtimes are now also a no-no. Pubs are full of horrible little toddlers with their parents - eating, shouting, crying, running about and generally driving us all out of the pub.

As for public transport, well I despair! Whether its on a bus, a train or (heaven forbid) a long plane flight, little Kylie or little Justin are non-stop balling and shouting the odds, making it impossible for the rest of us to read, talk or even think!

The answer is of course for all kids and their parents to be sent to live on another island somewhere till they are 21. A bit like Centre Parks, Butlins or a Pontins family holiday camp, only with military style discipline to knock them into shape.

That would suit me nicely!

Coming Soon…

Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours
Teenagers
Boom Boxes in Cars

Lager Drinkers

Scum of the earth clearly.

What would you rather drink?

A fresh, living, dynamic, natural ale that has been part of our country’s heritage for centuries. A pint made from the finest barley, hops and yeast, fermented naturally, cask conditioned and served fresh from the barrel by traditional hand pump into an eager glass.

Or/

Some sterile, chilled, unnatural fizzy piss with added essence of alcohol added for effect. Delivered from a chiller unit, under nitrogen gas pressure, tasteless, chemical laden, bland, dead, lifeless and with a shelf life of many months.

Absolutely astonishing!

Yet, go into any pub in the UK and you will see hoards of self deluded, ignorant twats, swigging back the hideous lager by the barrel load!

The brewery companies aren’t stupid – they would love it if everyone drank sterile, keg lager, because there is absolutely no wastage and it can’t go off.

Real ale however has to be carefully looked after and allowed to settle. It must be consumed within a week or so of spiking the barrel, and there can be a lot of wastage to get it tasting just right. So what do they do?– They brainwash the public (mainly the young thick impressionable males) using expensive flashy advertising to make them want to drink their vile fizzy urine instead.

Real ale is full of variety – every brewery has it’s own recipe and brewing process and there are a multitude of subtle tastes and strengths to keep you forever interested in the next pint.

However this is all lost on the current thick arseholes who insist on drinking cold gassed-up lager and is very likely to be lost forever if present trends continue.

Real Ale is very much a British phenomenon, and it is practically impossible to find a pint of it brewed outside these fair islands. We should all be proud and celebrate it, not drink overpriced, gassed up yellow mouthwash.

I’m sure the breweries could save even more money if they simply took the piss straight form the pub urinals, through a filter, quickly chill it, pump it with lots of gas, chill some more, add neat alcohol, add some chemicals and send it straight back to the pump in the bar. I defy any stupid lager drinker to tell the difference.

That would really bring new meaning to the expression – “taking the piss.”

Coming Soon…

People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques in Shops
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers

Talkative Neighbours

Teenagers

Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats

Okay, where the hell do we start with these demented morons?

As we know, ALL of religion is total bollocks.

Being religious does not give you the moral phucking high ground about anything at all. You can be an devout atheist and still have a great sense of purpose, know the difference between right and wrong and do good in the world. You don’t have to be religious to do any of that.

Religion, whatever its flavour, has an awful lot to answer for. Practically every war on this planet have been as a direct consequence of religious beliefs. Generations upon generations of human suffering, murder , torture and incredibly evil deeds have all been done (and are continuing) in the name of some religion or another. Persecution for believing, persecution for not believing – what a downright farce. All this combined misery and suffering in the name of what?

In addition to this terrible suffering it has severely restricted progress in the sciences and medicine. Effectively heaping the misery on even more.

I really can’t believe that in this enlightened age there can possibly be any room for religious beliefs, bar for historical purposes.

Surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that thinks religion is pointless, stupid, self indulgent nonsense.

Now let me tell you something Mr Religious person, there is no phucking ‘heaven’, no bloke with a long white beard sitting on a cloud with angels playing harps looking down at you making notes of your good and bad deeds! If you believe that you have a rather inflated opinion of yourself, thinking that the Great Creator gives a phuck about you. It's quite astonishing that people even entertain such stupid ideas.

OK, so if you really want to believe in any religious nonsense, I suppose it’s your right to do so, even if it is bollocks, so long as it is kept quiet and doesn’t affect anybody else. But please, whatever you do, don’t start preaching to me about it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses go around in pairs knocking on peoples doors at the weekend, trying to convince them that the end of the world is not too far away! Great –well thanks for that mate. Might as well go out and commit some crimes and rape and pillage my way around for a bit if that’s the case!

These people have got to be stark raving lunatics! For a start they believe the most bizarre nonsense. The earth is only a few thousand years old, despite it being scientifically proven that it is about 4.5 billion years old. They believe Armageddon is only a few short years away and we must all redeem ourselves. They believe in Jesus but don’t celebrate his birth or indeed even their own and they’d rather watch their loved ones die than sign a form consenting to a blood transfusion. A more clearer case of severe cerebral disorder there cannot be!

When I look at somebody who is religious, or even goes to church I genuinely look at them in the same way as I do someone who is mentally ill. Actually I would go as far to say that they are!

So the next time a JW comes knocking at your door, don’t hide behind the curtains, open the door and tell them what you really think of them. Better still get yourself a really heavy bible and smash them over the head with it – see, it has got a use after all.

Coming Soon…

Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers
Talkative Neighbours

Unsolicited Phone Calls

I am truly amazed that in these enlightened days, and with such an amazing choice of advertising media available , fast communications, interactive TV, the internet, etc that some firms still employ the old cold telephone call technique to sell their shoddy wares!

After all, who in their right mind is going to re-mortgage their house or change their insurance company just because some stranger has disturbed them as they were eating their dinner or having a leisurely crap? It really does beggar belief!

I just don’t get it.

How can this sales technique possibly work? Perhaps the only people who would fall for this type of nonsense are the weak, vulnerable or elderly – if this is the case then it is truly shameful and the firms should be outlawed.

To me, when the phone rings in my house I expect it to be from somebody I bloody well know – not some arsehole with a prepared script from India, Ireland or wherever. I take great offence to these calls and tell them straight, no nonsense. I suggest you all do the same. It is not just a flaming nuisance, but a real invasion of privacy.

I know people have different techniques for dealing with these nuisance calls. From saying they are not in, to leaving the phone off the hook for 20 minutes, to not answering the phone and dialling 1471 to see who it was straight after, to saying ring back later, to politely and firmly saying they will think about it. However there is a much easier and satisfying technique that I use myself…

Ring, ring, ring

“Hello”

Long pause – click – pause

“Hello is that Mr Miserable Old B’stad”

Reluctantly, “Yes” (Just in case it is important – you never know)

“And are you the homeowner?”

“FUCK OFF!!!”

Simple really. If everybody did the same, they would all stop doing this sort of thing within a fortnight.

Another problem sorted!

Coming Soon...

Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema
BT Engineers

BBC Local Radio

What a load of crap!

The BBC is a vast corporation, overstaffed, over-funded, over-rated and not in the real world at all. Of course being the BBC it doesn’t have to be as we are forced by law to own a shitty TV licence at over £130 a year, even if we don’t watch their crappy programmes or listen to their twee radio stations. What a scam! It doesn’t have to compete with commercial TV, trim it’s budgets and learn to survive or fail depending on its performance like the rest of us in the real world.

Why the hell the BBC is involved with local radio in every frigging county in Britain is beyond me! How much must it cost to secure premises in 3 or 4 towns within each county, each with an office, staff, research budget and twats to host the programmes? In just one county it must cost a pretty packet – imagine the cost of doing this in every county in the UK? There are 40 BBC local radio stations in England alone - what a phucking fortune it must cost to run and what a shameful and shocking waste of public money.

Sod off BBC local radio – leave local radio to the commercials. They actually know what they are doing – they have to, otherwise they don’t survive – unlike you parasites!

I defy anyone to listen to BBC local radio for more than an hour without wanting to shoot themselves. It’s just crap – interviews with old local residents, pathetic phone ins, themes quizzes, programme hosts that are so useless and condescending that you just want to strangle them. God it’s awful!

If I have to listen to the BBC I want to hear important news about national and global events. Not about the cancellation of the Chipping Ongar’s Cub Scout's Jumble Sale at the Village Hall., or Mrs Higgins lost cat!

Simply outrageous.

Coming soon...

Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts
Going to the Cinema

People With Personal Number Plates

I can’t think of a more pointless thing to do nor a more wanton waste of money than to buy a personal number plate.

I mean why do it? Why advertise that fact that you are an insecure attention seeking tosser and pay good money to publicly humiliate yourself? Can’t you donate it to charity or something?

For some strange reason, certain individuals (presumably otherwise sane) decide to research, track down and then purchase at great expense a personal number plate to fix to their vehicle. Why? In addition of course they have to pay extra to have the plate made and fitted! Astonishing really.

What possible buzz can you get from having your initials on your car licence plate? I really don’t see the fascination at all. There must be something not quite right with these people, I’m just not sure what it is!

Excuse my if I’m wrong here, but aren’t all car number plates personal and unique to the registered owner of the vehicle? I think you will find that I am right – so, I repeat what is the point, apart from being completely pointless?

Do you really think that by paying £100,000 for a plate that says M1KE 67 you are going to amaze and astound your friends? I think not.

I'll tell you what mate, it doesn’t impress me at all! In fact quite the opposite – surely you must realise that all you are doing is advertising the fact that you are a prize wanker who has money to burn!

Words fail me.

T055ER5

Coming Soon...

BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists & Psychiatrists
Metal Detector Enthusiasts

Pikey Gypo Low-Life

I don’t think that I’m going to upset too many people this week, after all -we all phucking hate pikeys and all they stand for!

From the seedy con artists that tell your fortune at the traditional seaside resort, the fairground ‘workers’ that fleece you for a ride on the dogems to the filthy thieving scumbags at the local Pikey site – oh yes I hate every damn one of them.

Now I believe it is law that all local councils in Britain must put aside land for ‘travellers’. What a waste of money – why encourage these bastards? We don’t want them around. They make a disgusting mess of the area as they drop litter and other filth, they steal goods and property from local businesses and households, nick cars, joy-ride and make the local residents frightened to leave their houses at night.

Most of these plebeian rat-bags can’t even write there own name they are so ignorant and uneducated. Of course this is by choice, their choice, not because of hardship or bad luck. Fancy choosing to be as thick as an arsehole.

Though they thieve and pillage, I believe some of these lazy shits do some work, like chopping down perfectly good trees or making a complete hash of some poor old pensioners driveway whom they have cajoled into agreeing to let them do it. I bet you a fiver to all the fleas in their caravan that they don’t pay a penny in tax or national insurance. No doubt however they manage to claim all sorts of government handouts despite having no fixed abode or ability to write.

Why the phuck are they travelling anyway? Let me guess – after they have moved into an area, wrecked it, turned the land they are on into a cess pit, thieved and stole from local residents, ripped off old ladies, collected their dole money, it's time to move on and do the same thing somewhere else. What a scam!

It’s got nothing to do with their ‘culture’ or heritage – they are just thieving lying scum bags, that keep on the move to avoid capture. Change counties regularly and the Police aren't gonna be bothered to prosecute unless it's murder.

There is only one solution – send the whole phucking lot to an island somewhere. Let’s say the Isle of Wight (nobody in their right mind would live there anyway). Change it’s name to Pikey Island and let them phucking well have it. Then they can tarmac over the whole phucking lot, steal and commit crimes against one another, inter-breed, rip each other off and see who can stink the most. They will surely have the time of their lives.

Phuck ‘em

Coming Soon...

People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues
Sociologists and Psychiatrists

Blokes In Replica Football Shirts

Why is it that most blokes who follow their favourite football team insist on wearing unflattering yet expensive replica football shirts?

Most of these blokes are probably quite sane in normal circumstances and even fashion conscious. Why is it then that they persist on wearing brightly coloured, shiny, very expensive (short lived) replica shirts stretched over their bulging waistlines? Let’s face it - they look awful. Hello! This might come as a shock to you mate, but in fact you are not Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney so why the phuck have you got ‘his’ name on ‘your’ shirt dumbass?

I must admit, the light only dawned on me a few years ago. Up to then I always bought my teams new kit every year (Arsenal of course), usually both the home and away kit at £40 a piece, only to put them in the back of the cupboard and buy the next kit(s) 12 months later. Sheer madness really. Then I realised that actually I don’t look good in bright red and white or fluorescent yellow with an extremely large advertising logo on the front!

Now I look back and reflect - what the hell was I thinking of? After all, although I passionately support my team, I realise that I am not good enough to play in the real team, I am in my mid forties, generally unfit and my name is not ‘Thierry Henry’. Why then do mature blokes wear replica shirts with the name of their favourite player on the back? It’s really pathetic and quite sad if you think about it. It’s the sort of thing that junior school-boys do in pretending to be their favourite player in the playground. The astounding thing is that you have to pay extra to have their name and number on the back too. Quite a bit extra as it happens – just how stupid do you have to be?

It’s OK for young kids to wear a shirt with a name of their hero on the back, but once you hit puberty there isn’t really much excuse. In fact these days if I see a bloke wearing a replica with a players name on the back I feel nothing but contempt that he can be so juvenile.

Nowadays there is just no excuse. All the top clubs have an incredible range of fashion clothing in sensible colours, fittings and styles. So instead of wearing an ‘in your face’ unappealing bright replica shirt, why not wear a fashionable understated polo shirt or sweatshirt in a reasonable colour with the clubs logo discreetly but proudly displayed. In this case you support the club you love, look trendy and don’t have to throw the thing away at the end of the season. Not too difficult really eh?

In addition it has just occurred to me that if you are a professional player on the pitch in a ‘real’ game trying to pick out a team mate in a crucial match, then absolutely the last thing you want is banks of people in the crowd wearing exactly the same shirt as the team-mate you are trying to pass to! So you see you are actually hindering the team you support by wearing these brainless replicas, on top of the fact that you look a plonker. Come on guys, wake up and get a life! I know you love your team, but how about a bit of common sense?

Enough said, you know I’m right.

Coming Soon...

Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques
Post Office Queues

Mobile Phones on Trains

There can not be many things in life worse than sitting next to a person on a train who is on his mobile phone talking to a friend. It is a truly appalling experience that no person should have to endure. I am deadly serious here – it should be against the law. In fact any normal person with morals or an understanding of social etiquette would not use his mobile on a train or indeed anywhere where others might be in earshot and unable to easily move away. It is rude, uncomfortable, offensive, annoying and is PHUCKING WELL OUT OF ORDER!

When I get on a train the first thing I do (apart from eyeing up the best looking bird) is to turn off my mobile telephone. I don’t want the inconvenience or embarrassment of somebody ringing me when I am in an enclosed space where others would have no choice but to listen to my one-sided conversation. It would be embarrassing for me and them so I turn it off for the sake of my fellow passengers. I must be unique however as everyone else on the planet it seems are selfish, ignorant and downright rude when it comes to mobile phone use. I am fuming about it! Okay there might occasionally be a real need to make contact with someone when on a train, if so then apologise to those around you, speak quietly using your hand to muffle the sound and keep it short and snappy. Tell them you will call back later for Gods sake!

Don’t get me wrong, mobile phones are a great invention and I would not be without one. They can be a godsend and even save lives. They are of great practical use and it’s hard to imagine how we ever survived without them 20 years ago. The problem is of course – the people who use them.

Look dear, I don’t want to hear what you did last night, what you thought of Big Brother, which blokes you are shagging, how you are getting on at work and when your next period is due – just shut the phuck up bitch!

Last time I was on a train, a person just behind me was on his mobile for the whole of the journey. It was truly awful and by the time I got off the train I knew everything there was to know about this bloke. I knew more about him than his own mother – but I didn’t phucking want to know anything about him. I just wanted him die horribly. People around the carriage didn’t know where to look, they shook their heads in disbelief or bowed them in his shame and were literally cringing with embarrassment. Yet this twat went on spouting out his life story to the rest of us. How can people be like that? How can they sit there with people on all sides of them and continue to talk utter bollocks and not feel humiliated? These people really are the scum of the Earth.

There should be a code of practice for mobile phone use. A bit like the Highway Code for road users. A written and physical test should then be taken and only if you pass would you be allowed to own and use a mobile. This sort of thing would not be necessary of course if people were courteous to their fellow man and not so HIDEOUSLY PHUCKING RUDE, IGNORANT AND THICK!! , but alas it seems most mobile users are.

Phuck ‘em.

Coming Soon...

Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’
People Who Still Use Cheques

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts

What a bunch of boring, tedious cretins! Who in their right mind would want to get up at the crack of dawn, load up their car boot with worthless tatt and spend the best part of the weekend in a muddy field haggling over the price of a used Tupperware container? Prize twats!

Okay, so I admit that I have taken part in a car boot sale (CBS) myself – ONCE! Only the once, and never ever again! As a total one off, in an attempt to clear all the crap from the house in one go, if you are moving house for example, it might (dare I say it) be almost sensible - but can you believe that some people actually go to car boot sales on a regular basis? Unbelievable!

However it gets even worse! As I understand it (now don’t laugh) but some people go to car boot sales to ‘buy’ stuff and not sell! Incredible – they voluntarily get up early on a Sunday morning (when they should be sleeping off a hangover, or at the very least shagging the missus) and then incredibly and devastatingly they ‘choose’ to go bargain hunting at the local CBS! A more clearer definition of mindless brain-dead morons there can never be.

Imagine the hell of fumbling around in the back of a dirty R reg Volvo, sorting through the useless crap that even these pathetic individuals don’t want. Must be some great stuff eh? It's nothing short of shocking –insanity – pure and simple.

Now excuse me if I am missing something here, but if you want to sell second hand goods then sell them on ebay for phucks sake! Then instead of a few sad people looking at your shit on a wet weekend, you can offer it to a global audience of literally millions of potential customers, plus of course you can stay in bed. How hard it that?

I’ll tell you why car boot sellers don’t use ebay, it’s because they are so phucking pig ignorant and mind blowingly thick that they don’t have the intelligence to turn on a computer and follow a few simple instructions! Stupid dumb phuckers, hope next time they catch pneumonia exhibiting their wares in the rain and all bloody well die off! Then next time I’m out driving on a Sunday morning I won’t be caught in a phucking traffic queue where all these sad pratts are turning right into a muddy field to sell their worthless cack. Good luck.

Coming soon...

Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’
Traffic Wardens are ‘cool’

Caravanners

My god, what a bunch of tossers.

Who in their right mind would own a caravan? What possesses somebody to shell out thousands of pounds for a prison cell on wheels, hitch it to the back of the car and drive around towing it until they find a nice muddy field to park it in and then spend the weekend there? Horrendously stupid. What are they? Reincarnated snails or something?

You can always tell when it’s near a bank holiday because all the major roads are full of these sad pathetic wankers pulling along their prized tin-can home at a steady 20mph and phucking up road conditions big time for the rest of us normal people. Now as a matter of routine I always give the caravan owner the finger whenever I manage to overtake them on the road and shout ‘Tosser!’ as loud as I can out of the passenger window. It’s a sort of duty – I’m sure you do the same.

Why are caravans always white? What law says they have to be? I’m not talking about the ‘fixed site’ caravan that can sometimes be a sort of ugly yellow but every caravan I’ve ever seen on the road has been white – not important actually or even mildly interesting. I don't even know why I mentioned it, but perhaps it indicates the total lack of innovation and foresight of the producers and users of caravans and sums them up perfectly.

There is a stretch of dual carriageway with a slip road that rises to meet it near where I live in Colchester and as you join the carriageway and look left you can see a very busy caravan site practically under the major carriageway with the slip road towering above it. The caravans are crammed in this small grassy area not more than a few feet apart! No, it's not a Gypsy site either but genuinely used by caravan 'enthusiasts'. Absolutely amazing that people would ever want to go there. Rather than stay at home with all the normal comforts, they choose to take their caravan and slum it in a tin box for a week, with continual deafening road noise, breathing in petrol fumes and staring at the concrete of the underside of the overpass, graffiti and litter! I must take the effort one of these days to pop down to this site and interview some of the caravan owners to ask them what they think they are phucking well doing!

What do caravanners actually do when they arrive happily smiling on site? I’ll tell you what. Exactly the same as they would do if they were at home, only much, much more uncomfortably! How ridiculous.

Save up for a proper holiday you muppits! Don’t waste your time in a cramped up mobile dolls house and pretend that you are enjoying it, I can guarantee it that you are not!

I think the army should be allowed to use caravans as free target practice for their tanks, bazookas and heavy artillery. That would be great, the army can improve their shooting skills and we can all be rid of these hideous white monstrosities. Never mind if the owners are inside or not, we would be doing them a favour really in ending their dull and pointless existence.

Sorted.

Coming soon…

Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality TV’
Blokes That Shave Their Heads to Look ‘Hard’

Dog Owners

It is quite obvious to me that anyone who owns a dog is mentally insane, disgustingly unhygienic and a scourge on society. If it wasn’t that dogs are (for some bizarre reason) an accepted part of modern society then I am sure most people would run a mile from these flea-ridden ratbags.

Man’s best friend – my phucking arse! Just look at the facts…

Dogs stink, lick their own bollocks and arsehole, shit disgustingly on the pavement, have fleas, dribble slimy disease ridden saliva over anyone who comes into contact with them, jump up and ruin clothes with mud and shit coated paws, bark incessantly at nothing, ruin carpets and furniture, cost a fortune to feed and maintain and even kill and maim kids!

What person in their right mind would entertain the idea of having one of these hideous monstrosities as a pet? Phucking brain dead morons – nothing less!

I could and perhaps should end my blog here as there can be absolutely no disagreement against any of these points, but just in case you are thicker than the phucking thickest thing that ever existed I’ll take them one by one and ram them up your sad arse! Right then…

Dogs stink – No arguments here – they phucking well stink. Not just their repulsive bad breath but their smelly arse and mingey coat! It’s not the dogs fault I know, if I never brushed my teeth or wiped my arse, I would stink like phuck too! Dogs also have the incredible ability to find things that actually stink more than they do (like a dead animal) and take great pleasure in rolling in it till they stink just as bad. Lovely pets eh?

Dogs lick their own bollocks and shit stained arsehole –Yes they do and how vile is that? No wonder their breath smells so bad! Yet most dog owners kiss their dogs and let them lick their faces and think it’s cute! Horrific. Most even let these filthy animals lick their dinner plates ‘clean’ after eating. Mind bogglingly disgusting filth!

Dogs shit – This is the worst of the lot! Yes I know we all shit – but dog owners are dirty and nauseating and let them crap on the streets, paths and public footpaths! Yeah I know that they sometimes take a token supermarket bag or nappy sack to ‘supposedly’ pick up the shit if it is done in full view of anyone, but we all know they would leave it where it was dumped if at all possible. This is totally unforgivable and if I ever catch a dog owner leaving a pile of stinking shit for others to tread in I will make them eat it I swear! It really is disgusting and simply not acceptable.

I live near a Primary School and not a week goes past without a big pile of dog shit being left in the middle of the path on the way to it. Little children running and playing on their way to school, only to tread in a steaming pile of dogs shit that some unscrupulous owner has left for them. This is an offence that should carry imprisonment.

We know that dog owners, forced to take their scruffy flee ridden pets out for their early evening walk would just love to leave the pile of crap where it is. A guilty look around, and if nobody is looking, just leave the turd where it lays and PHUCK everyone else. How they must love the long winter evenings when they can let their dog shit and crap under the cover of darkness. Bastards!

Even if the owner has been seen and feels obliged to pick the shit up– who in their right mind would want to do such a thing? Using a plastic bag as a glove to happily pick up a smelly disease ridden stinking dogs turd! Anyone who does that is clearly mentally insane. So why have a phucking dog in the first place you retard? I bet your back garden is host to several dozen shit sculptures, perfect for the children to play in. God, words fail me in my utter contempt and disgust at people who have dogs. They really must be as thick as the shit they pretend to clean up! And another thing when your vile pet has the runs how the hell do you clean that up?. Scoop it up with a spoon? Filthy disgusting vile perverted foul grotesque people! Gah!

I used to like to take country walks – but everywhere I sodding go there are dog owners. I cannot look around and admire the beautiful English countryside, the majestic trees, the fantastic scenery, the sky, the wildlife– I literally have to spend my whole phucking time looking down at the ground in case I treading in dog shit! Really it is too much.

Dogs have fleas – Yep, they all get them at some stage, plus other repulsive things. Yet most owners let them climb on the sofa, cuddle them and let them sleep on their beds. Revolting!

Dogs dribble – Hideous slimy thick saliva stinking of bad breath, dog shit and whatever they’ve eaten. It slops down on your shoes, on your clothes and on the carpet. Absolutely disgusting filth!

Dogs jump up at you – Well they don’t at me ‘cause I kick the phuckers before they get a chance to get their mud, shit coated paws anywhere near me. Others are not so lucky and get their clothes ruined by some stupid mutt that jumps up and runs their dirty paws down them. “He’s only trying to be friendly” they say – yeah right, perhaps I can get friendly with my Glock.

Dogs bark – Dogs are phucking thick as shit and bark at anything. Stupid rabid mongrels. I phucking hate them and the noise they make. Who wants to be woken up early on a Sunday morning by some stupid phucking dog that decides it wants to ball and scream the odds? Words fail me why anyone would want to own such a stupid animal.

Dogs ruin things – They chew things up, ruin furniture, piss and crap on carpets, scratch things and make everything smelly and covered in hairs. Very nice – I wish I had a dog! (I am so angry I can hardly contain my contempt and revulsion at dog owners)

Dogs cost a lot to feed and maintain – As if the above points weren’t enough for all dog owners to immediately shoot or strangle their canine companions it occurred to me that these animals must cost good money to feed. I have no interest in finding out how much a can of dog food costs or how much the mixer biscuits are, but I assume they are not cheap. Yet amazingly and pathetically dog owners will lay out this money to keep these foul beasts! Yet more – these animals need health care, vet bills, and some even pay for insurance. It is truly breathtaking that people do this, it really is.

Dogs can maim and kill - Of course their dog won’t, it's just so lovable. It’s always somebody else’s dog that does that sort of thing. Yes it’s a rare occurrence I grant you, but what sane person would take the risk, however small. Dogs are animals, pure and simple and are consequently unpredictable. Most have powerful jaws with pointed teeth that can maim or kill children and babies. It astonishes me that people take this risk however nice their pet seems to be most of the time. How a grown adult can let their little toddler play near a dog is quite frightening and the owners should be locked up for negligence! The risk maybe small, probably miniscule but how can they possibly take the risk? They are gambling with their childs life! It’s really is truly awesome in its stupidness and utter selfishness! A dog however docile can attack at any time and there are countless examples of this. Really this it so irresponsible that I am quite overcome with rage and contempt. Owners that allow this should have their children taken into care and be locked up – they are stupefying thick, as thick as arseholes!

As you can probably gather from this blog – I don’t care much for dogs, nor their owners! After reading this it must surely be impossible to disagree. How can anybody put up a sane and sensible argument against what I have written? What is mind blowing is that most dog owners don’t realise what they are doing, or why they have one. My god, some owners even have several dogs – can you imagine that? My brain cannot comprehend the unpleasantness.

Dog ownership must stop now! All male dogs should be castrated, breeders closed down and preferably all dogs put down humanely. At the very least let them die out completely, so after 12-15 years none of these disgusting creatures will be around.

What bliss!

Good dog, good boy! – In my opinion the only good dog is a phucking dead one .

Good luck.

Coming soon…

Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBC Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers
Viewers of ‘Reality’ TV

Committee Members

Members of a Committee must surely be some of the dullest, boring and pointless people on planet Earth. They clearly have a rather inflated opinion of themselves and are actually proud to sit on the committee! They no doubt think that they are the pillars of our society, doing good work for the benefit of their fellow members making crucial decisions and play a vital role in the development of their organisation. We on the other hand know that they are just a bunch of trumped-up, self-important tediously boring tosspots that are of absolutely no use to the human race whatsoever.

Anyone who voluntary agrees to sit on a committee about anything is a total wanker.

I really struggle to think of the reasons why they would want to do such a task. Is it that they like the sound of their own voice, or that it makes them feel important, or their lives are so pathetic and devoid of meaning they will fill it with absolutely anything so long as it takes their mind off their own pointless existence, or is it that they are just nosey bastards who want to know the inner workings of the club or whatever crap they are on the committee of?

What do committee members actually do for phucks sake? I know they usually give up their own time for evening meetings when they could be doing better things. Then they politely sit around a table with their stupid notebook and pens and read the pointless minutes from the last boring meeting. The most tiresome pompous twit of them all - the Chairman (or Chairperson nowadays for phucks sake) calls the meeting to order. Then his lap-dogs the Treasurer and Club Secretary get a chance to bore everyone shitless with their reports. Then everyone gets a chance to discuss the ins and outs of a ducks arsehole until eventually even these sub-human bores finally realise what a hopeless waste of time and precious life the meeting really is, they call to order and close the meeting until next month! Get a phucking life you sad pathetic losers for Gods sake!

I think there should be a new criteria for brain-stem death - it's when you serve on a committee.

Coming soon...

Dog Owners
Caravaners
Car Boot Sale Enthusiasts
Mobile Phones on Trains
Men in Replica Football Shirts
Pikey Gypo Low-life
People With Personal Number Plates
BBc Local Radio
Unsolicited Phone Calls
Jehovah’s Witnesses & Other Religious Twats
Lager Drinkers
People Who Think Their Kids Are Cute
Civil Servants
Morris Dancers
Women Drivers